One month

Saturday marked one month since our adoption journey took a drastic turn.

This month has been filled with the obvious:

Sadness.

Confusion.

Frustration.

But what really surprised me? Were the feelings of joy. humility. and strength.


We don't doubt God's hand in our situation. We don't question His plan.  And even with all that? It just...

Wasn't fair.

There is no one to blame. No one did anything wrong.

In fact, what happened is the true picture of God's grace and love in reuniting a family.

We know that we were not supposed to be Cupcake's family.


And yet, for us? it still just wasn't fair.

We're not supposed to be here. 

Nervous.

Anxious.

Uncertain.

We're supposed to be somewhere else. Somewhere happier.

Somewhere more?  Fair.
(I've tried explaining this to God. It's gotten me virtually nowhere)


But we're not.

And in the midst of hardship, we give God more room to work. 

And He gives us more grace.

Grace to handle things that we were certain we couldn't.

Grace to pray with renewed clarity and fervor.

Grace to walk through the pain of inconsiderate questions and comments and come out the other side undamaged.

Grace to trust that He will fulfill what He promised.



This Christmas season, I have been blessed with greater gifts than I though possible. But they didn't come without a price.

Of course, nothing does.



And, then, the child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother:“This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” Luke 2:33-35

Prayer in Waiting.

Last year, on this very day, I wrote This Post about the difficulty of waiting. About longing.

I didn't even suspect that--fast-forwarding into the future a year--I would have those feelings again.

I never imagined what would have transpired in the past year.

But it doesn't really matter, because I wouldn't have believed you if you had told me anyways.

I have mentioned before that sometimes I like to go back through old posts to see where I was in years past.

It's a reminder of the power of the written word.

Of personal growth.

And of the faithfulness of God.

This prayer was on my heart a year ago and somehow, God knew I would need the reminder of these words-- Right now. today. where I sit. 

And I am so thankful for the small reminders in our lives.

"Father, thank you. Thank you for loving my child more than even I could comprehend (and I am Mommy, after all). Thank you for pursuing your favorite one with so much zeal, as to send two unsuspecting Americans from halfway around the world. Thank you for allowing us to be part of your redeeming love. Thank you for directing our path and guiding our steps. Thank you for loving me so completely. Thank you for trusting me with your most precious creation. Thank you for telling me that I am your most precious creation, too. Thank you for teaching me to wait on you... as I wait for my child. I will forever be humbled, and honored to understand how desperately you pursue your children with love and comfort. I pray that I will always be an example of You to the world. Comfort, protect, and watch over my baby until I can get there...Amen and amen."

Motionless.

Sometimes it feels like life is speeding past and leaving me motionless in it's dust.

It's as if life is a train and I am just not quite fast enough to jump on board...I give it everything I have. And still...It's speeds off without me.

Don't get me wrong, I would never wish for anyone else to be standing where I am, watching as life gently caresses others down their path with little resistence.

It's just that?

I wouldn't have wished it for me, either.


You see, I strongly disagree with the philosophy that God never gives us more than we can handle.

I think He does.

And on purpose, even.


It's in these places of facing insurmountable mountains?

It's these times of deep pain and sorrow?

It's in the seasons of being certain you can't possibly survive another hit?



That we become overwhelmingly desperate for His presense.

That we truly begin to rely on Him for the basic Will to go on.

It's here? That He has the room to grow us into a deeper relationship and is able to reveal to us things that our own carnal abilities have somehow kept us blind to...


No. I don't buy into that "He'll never give you more than you can handle" nonsense...


But I am certain about this:

He will never give me more than HE can handle.

Today.

Today would have been our court date for Cupcake.

I'm not especially sad, today (no more than the usual anyways). In fact, most of my emotional energy is wrapped up in convincing The Husband to let me get a puppy.

Like this one:

Or this one:

I already have several names picked out:

Geordi LaForge (Yes, we did in fact just finish watching the entire Star Trek NG series)

Franky S. (for those baby blues)

Ronald

Brutus.

Marvel.

and Finnick.

See?

I have a lot on my mind these days....

Any ideas for helping The Husband to understand the depths of my puppy-fever would be greatly appreciated.

But as I take a break from Puppy-love land, I have a few special prayer requests as we mark this now-ordinary day:

*  Please pray for Cupcake's family. That God's favor in their lives would be always evident. That they would have the means to provide for her and that they would be healthy and happy.

* Pray for their continued reunification and transition. As difficult as adoption is, reunification has it's own list of hardships (And I doubt seriously that they have access to Dr. Purvis's stuff). We believe that God heals and restores and in this family, our prayers are that that restoration happens quickly and easily for Cupcake.

* Pray for us as we move forward. That there would be no hurdles to jump or red-tape to get through in bringing home the child we are called to. That God would continue to prepare our hearts to give as forcefully and relentlessly to this child as we did for Cupcake. That our prayers would be fervent on Little Smith's behalf and that we would have renewed confidence and peace as we move forward.

Getting another referral will undoubtedly be *different* this time. But I don't want my experiences in Cupcake's journey to hinder my willingness to love completely and wholeheartedly as we await our next child's referral and the process attached to that.

Forward On, We Will Go.

I wish  I could explain the ebbs and flows that have coursed through my spirit these last few days.

I miss my daughter.

But I have to release her to the love and comfort she will experience with her family.

I am grieving our loss.

But I know that she has gained so much more than we could have ever given her.

And, the facts are simple. We are called to adopt. Called to adopt a child that needs a family

This plan hasn't changed simply because of the crappy cards we got dealt in this hand.


So forward on, we will go.

Please, know this....It's not an easy decision.  Knowing that there is risk of having our wounds reopened.

It's not with the joyful exuberance of This Experience that we go back on the waiting list. Backwards. Several months. Backwards.

It's not with the same naivity that we will look on towards getting another referral.

Yes. It could happen again.

Yes. We could have our hearts ripped out. Again.

But we remain confident of this. That there IS a child out there that needs a family. That, in fact, there are MILLIONS of children out there that need families.

And it's not fair to them if we allow fear and uncertainty to direct our steps.

Our lives are not worse by having loved Cupcake.

Her life isn't worse by having had us love her so much.

But if we allow this pain and loss to control us?

A child will never know that love.

A child out there will never have those prayers prayed over him/her.

A child out there  will never have a family on the other side of the world gaze at their pictures in wonder, amazement, and adoration.

A child out there will never have someone pursue them desperately with the heart of a parent. Relentlessly.

A child out there will never have a mommy tuck him/her in a night. Or a daddy wrestle with them and teach them how to throw a football.

A child out there--somewhere-- will never have a family.

No, It's not an easy decision...But we refuse to hand this calling over to the enemy and walk away defeated.

Our hearts may be broken today, but I know that He will bring our healing.

We will never stop loving or praying for our Cupcake (nor should we) but we know that God brought us here and unless there are no more children who need to be set into the love and shelter of a family?

Then forward on, we will go.