Waiting Is Hard.

Today has been hard.

Waiting is always hard. But for some reason, Today? I really feel it.

I have friends who think we've had it worse...getting a referral, losing that referral and of course, rejoining the waiting masses.

I can't help but think they have it worse. Waiting with no respite?

At least I had a season of joy and bliss in the midst of all this hardship... I have friends that are 12-18 months in waiting. Hanging on to whatever threads of hope they can. No experiencing the bliss of that day when your phone finally rings that special ringtone you have set aside for your case manager. No vacation from the anxiety and frustration.

That seems so much harder to me.

But regardless of the scenario....Waiting is hard for everyone.

Watching the days pass by without that magical call?

Doing the math? "Well if we get a referral in Jan., we might get court in April, which means we might get Embassy in June"

Re-evaluating your brillant math with each passing day?

Week?

Month?

Watching and  rejoicing with friends as they move through the process, all the while secretly envious that you are still in the deep recesses of waiting and they are floating on cloud nine?

No, it's impossible to try to identify if one person's waiting is easier...or harder...And it simply doesn't matter.

Waiting is just hard.

Period.

40 Days. Part I

It's late. I just finished reading the last morsels of Seven.


I knew this would happen. In fact? I craved it.


The challenge to examine what I have. How much I could truly give.


Who I really am.


Each month gripped me. Where do I really stand? 


What do I really believe?


What am I really willing to sacrifice?


And first, it was the possessions.


We. have. so. much.


And right here, in my very community, there are people struggling to stay warm in the bitter winters. starving. barely hanging on.


Who am I to amass all of this and watch His children perish by the wayside?


Can I ignore the plight of those who are able to steal the heart of God all the while patting myself on the back for what a good job I've done securing the American Dream?


It made me truly sick.


Who am I that I would elevate my existence above any other?


One thing I am certain of. The pride of man, dripping off of our wealth and possessions, grieves the heart of the One who created us.


And I am broken by the reflection in the mirror.  


I am the problem.


So for 40 days, I am purging myself. 
It's merely a grain of sand in what God wants to do. but it's a start.


The focus? On giving possessions.


Clothing.


Jewelry.


Books. (my heart. stops.)


Houseware.


Stuff.


For 40 Days, I will examine every crevice of waste, abuse, negligence, self-indulgence, materialism.


I will change the way my family does things. I will no longer remain trapped in this hamster wheel that defines success by what we have. I will look at my brothers and sisters and give whatever possible to meet whatever needs I can.


What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.

Saint Augustine

So in the next 40 days, I am believing for the chance to give away 1000 possessions. My prayer is that my eyes would be opened to the various opportunities to give and that I would make haste to meet the needs I see.


I may not be able to change everything.


But I can change something.

"My Children Are Hungry". (My Conversation with God) Part II

Read Part 1 Here.

I'm pulled over on the side of the road...so that the driving doesn't interfere with my arguments with God. Of course.

Me:   "God, I can't possibly drive around all day on the off-chance that I might find someone to give this food to?! Surely that's not what you intend??"

God:  "Daughter, Do you know what the future holds?"

Me:  "I don't know.  Maybe?"

God:  "You don't."

Me:   "Oh."

So I drove. First heading towards downtown and then feeling the urge to turn around and return to the area I first started.  Driving past the intersection that started this whole snowball of a morning and towards a more industrial area.  And then I saw him!!

Now, trying not to get too excited (this man might have just been walking from point A to point B and not been hungry at all) I  played it very cool...I first drove past him, felt confident he was who I was searching for,  then turned around, caught back up to him and rolled down the window.

Not only was he surprised to be handed a hot meal and hot coffee, but I didn't leave without mentioning that God loved him enough to send me searching for him....Because God knew he was hungry.

Gratitude. The air was filled with it.

Him for my obedience.

Me for God's patience.

I pulled away (back towards that infamous intersection. Again.) and lo' and behold, there was another man walking.  I was more confident this time...He wore a pack on his back (probably everything he owns) and walked with a faithful four-legged companion.

Once again I pulled up and rolled down the window.  "Sir?  It's awfully cold out, would you like a hot meal? Maybe some coffee?"  He proceeded to tell me that he shares everything with his companion and that both of them were starving today.

Hungry.

God knew. God looked down from Heaven and saw two of His most precious children that were hungry and sent me on a mission to meet a need. A need that no doubt would present itself again later that day, but for now, they were full. They were warming up. They were loved.

I returned to my original mission. Heading towards a supermarket to pick up supplies for an event later that day. As I pulled into the parking lot, I saw another man standing with a sign "Hungry. Anything Helps".

Hungry.

God spoke to me again. "My children are hungry".

Without arguing. Without waiting for an official prompt. I turned around.

Back to the fast food drive-through.

Same meal. Same coffee. Same change.

And I took it to the man who was hungry. I offered him a genuine smile as I told him that God had sent me to give him something to eat. I watched as gratitude once again filled someone's eyes. At my obedience?  It didn't feel worthy.  I hadn't done much. I hadn't done enough.

I pulled into a parking spot and with tears in my eyes and my head against the steering wheel, I began pleading with God.

Me:  "God, there are too many hungry people. Everywhere I look...All I see are people that are hungry. People that are cold. People that are in need.  I can't help them all...."

God:  "You won't be able to feed all my hungry children"

Me:   (frustrated that--so far--nothing in this conversation was making me feel better) "I know, God! That's what I am trying to tell you!  Everywhere I look, I see hunger. It's too much!"

God:  "You wanted to see?"

Me:  "Well, yeah..."

God:  "You may not be able to feed every hungry person. But you can feed the ones you see"
 **********
 I had asked to see something new. I wanted something different. But in my selfish nature, I wanted something with God that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And instead? He took my blindness and He made me see.

Brokenness.

Loss.

Humiliation.

Hunger.

I didn't see men that were "taking from the system" (by the way, that has never been my belief, but it is one that people often use as a reason not to help others). I didn't see men that were choosing a life of standing in the cold. in the rain. hungry. Simply to avoid "getting a job".  I didn't see expectation in their eyes as I handed them those bags.

I saw God's favorite ones. I saw the ones that He dangled on a cross for. I saw the ones that could capture His heart with a simple glance of their eyes.  I saw the ones that He would move Heaven and Earth for to simply bring them a hot meal on a cold day.

I saw His children. The ones He loved more than life itself.

Literally.

And I knew? I would never be the same. I could no longer drive by when God had given me vision to see. I could no longer ignore when God had opened my heart and broke it into a million pieces.  I could no longer make excuses for myself when the people He loves most were suffering-- barely hanging on...and I had. so. much.

I was no longer blind.

And now that I could see? I was responsible to act.

I wanted to feel good about what I did. I wanted that preverbial "pat on the back" for my generosity.  But instead I was broken. I was overwhelmed by the need.

I was changed.

"My Children Are Hungry" (My Conversation with God) Part I.

It was a Tuesday and I was travelling for work. Driving the same route I often did. Stopping at the same places I often stop. Ignoring the same things I often ignore.  Except, today? I wasn't ignoring them. There were two travellers that were standing off to the side of the exit ramp where I was sitting at a stoplight.  And I couldn't ignore how cold it was outside. And raining. Or, how tired and hungry they looked.  Hungry.  And then God spoke to me.

**********
I should probably back up a little here... Over the course of this month, I have been praying for God to show me something new. Something I hadn't noticed before. I was desperate to get back to that place of communion with God where everything I did was surrounded by the certainty that God was guiding my steps.. Now, don't misunderstand me..Of course that's what I want all the time. But with successes? with failures? with open doors? and others that get shut? It can be easy sometimes to forget about the spiritual realm and instead put the weight and glory of it all on your own shoulders.

Or at least it can for me.

**********
So back to the story....

God spoke to me. "My children are hungry"

'I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’  Matthew 25:36-40

Me: "But God, I don't have anything but a small orange"

God: "Then go get something"

Me: "But God, I don't have any money"

God: "Really? What about the money that arrived last night?"

Me:  "Oh..... my Christmas money?? But God? I was going to use that money to buy one of those awesome hats made in Uganda? You know....empowering the people! (as I made a fist and thrust it towards the sky, sure God would want me to spend my money on such a good cause...and such a cute hat)"


God: "But today? My people are hungry."

Me:  "Oh...Okay, God.  I'll go get them something to eat"

I want to make a note of something that I am not proud of here...I really do argue with God like this.

I wish I recognized the direction of God and never had my own ideas of He means...but that's not reality. I am thankful for a God full of mercy and grace who looks past how slow I can pick up on things and chooses to use me despite my flaws.

So I drove over to the nearest fast food chain and bought nicer meals than I ever even get myself! (Thanks to the prompting of the Lord) and as I am waiting to pay, God starts talking to me again.

God:  "Give them the change"   (Of course, the change worked out perfect for each bag to have $2.   Of course.)

Me:   (Still thinking my plan is better) "God, we don't give cash because we don't know what it gets used for"
(I am quite ashamed by how smug and self-righteous these words sound)

God:  "I am not asking you to determine what the gift will get used for. I am telling you to give it anyways."

Me:  (head hanging, ashamed of my own pride)   "Yes, Lord."

So  I drive away. Two bags filled with bacon deluxe burgers, large fries, extra napkins, ketchup, cream and sugars and $2 each. And two large coffees sitting in my console.

I was all ready to obey God fully.

And I got to the corner where the two gentlemen had been standing to find them....

Gone.

Gone?! Really God? As the delicious smells of  bacon, greasy fries, and coffees start making me dizzy, I feel the need to remind God that I am fasting.

"Umm hi, God? What do you expect me to do with all this now?? I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but I am in the middle of fasting all these deliciously amazing foods!"

God:  "They are not my only hungry children today"

Me:   "Are you really asking me to go looking for hungry people??"

God:   "Yes. I am."

To Be Continued.....


Read Part II Here

Pay it Forward...

On Facebook, I am participating in a fun Pay-it-forward-ish event this year. Making 5 handmade items for the first 5 people to comment on that status and making sure it got delivered before the end of 2012.

The catch *of course* being that each person who commented then had to subsequently re-post it as their status and make 5 handmade items for the first 5 people to comment on THEIR post. 

Whew.....did you catch all that?

Anyways, I thought it might be fun to double it up (yes that is 10 items I now have to make) by also making something for the first 5 people to comment on this blog post.

Of course, the same rules apply though....you must then re-post and commit to making 5 handmade gifts for the first people to comment on your own blog post.  Aaaand, if you caught me on Facebook...you don't get two gifts =) But feel free to blog your own pay it forward campaign anyways!!

It's so much fun to make handmade stuff. I get great joy out of surprising friends with gifts...and whether or not I could "make something myself" it's a lot of fun to have my own surprise gifts every now and then, too =)

This is simply about spreading joy and friendship this year! LOVE THAT!

So here it goes:

Pay it forward in 2012 - I am going to make something handmade for the first five people who comment on this post. (You must in turn post this and make something for the first five who comment on your blog.) *The rules are it must be handmade by you, and your friends must receive it before 2012 ends!!*

Let the fun begin!! (again)