I'm 27 years old. I have watched many, MANY of my friends have children. And I love them. I hold them. I rock them to sleep. I stare into their little eyes and smell their soft skin (that's not weird..right?). But? I have never had "baby fever". Not Once. Not after high school. when lots of girls from STA- small town America- get it. Not after college when most of my friends were planning weddings and "settling down" from our wild college days. Not even in my mid-20's when I was the ONLY person my age not lugging around 1 or 2 spawn.
Not. Ever.
So, when we began paper-chasing for our adoption application and homestudy, I was able to say to myself "This IS NOT a baby. THIS is just? paperwork".
Then? We had to answer questions like: Do you want a boy or a girl? Would you like twins? How old/young are you looking for? etc.......
And I had to start? thinking about the baby. It was a strange sensation. What would it be like to look in the back of the car EVERY DAY and see a child? What would it be like to drop the baby off with the sitter? How hard would it be to go back to work when I have a child who NEEDS extra time for attachment and bonding at home? Would the baby know any Amharic words and say them periodically? Would I know enough of the language to figure out what the baby wanted? What about the pets? What about summers? What about Christmas? If the baby's a girl, how soon could I rack up thousands of those beautiful bows and flowers for her hair? If the baby's a boy, where can I find newsboy hats for him to wear. always.?
Strange. Strange. Issues. Going. Through. My. Mind.
That's when I realized. What was happening. I had come down with?
The Infamous Fever.
Now, I pride myself on being a logical realist. I recognize that this grueling process we are smack-dab in the middle of...will most likely last another year or so. I recognize that by the time there is ACTUALLY a child, I will have been sick a LONG. time. And honestly? I recognize that while I am looking at the homestudy approval process and the impending horrific "dossier paperchase" that is about to ensue? That having "the fever" (even a low grade fever) is a bad. bad. deal.
I just don't know what to do about it.
I need help.
I need help.
'Til I am well again,
Ashley
4 comments:
I've got it bad again too. It hurts I have it so bad. And I've been telling myself that I wasn't going to let that happen for atleast another 6 months... yeah right. I go to sleep dreaming about holding her in my arms. Ahhhh.... can't wait!
What is going on with your blog? I can only see half of this post and then everything else is black..!?!??!
I was so into this post too.....:o)
Ash,
I honestly think everything you described there...is God-inspired. He created us women to have those desires and tendencies..those instincts. You are wonderfully and fearfully made. EXCITINGLY, you are also seeking first the Kingdom of God...and all THESE THINGS WILL BE added unto you, my friend! So, keep the fever. Relish in it. Delight yourself in the Lord and HE will give you the desires of your heart! He will place the desires that HE has planned for you there...in that special place and HE will bring them forth into reality!
You aren't the normal person that a lot of us are...you are extra special...and I just know it! :o)
Erica! I am glad that I found you guys! Going through this with someone else who understands the emotions and anxiety of it, is truly? A God-send and I can't wait until we are--instead of blogging about the process--blogging about our new little ones!!!!
Jen. You're the best. The end. =)
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