I'm 27 years old. I have watched many, MANY of my friends have children. And I love them. I hold them. I rock them to sleep. I stare into their little eyes and smell their soft skin (that's not weird..right?). But? I have never had "baby fever". Not Once. Not after high school. when lots of girls from STA- small town America- get it. Not after college when most of my friends were planning weddings and "settling down" from our wild college days. Not even in my mid-20's when I was the ONLY person my age not lugging around 1 or 2 spawn.
So, when we began paper-chasing for our adoption application and homestudy, I was able to say to myself "This IS NOT a baby. THIS is just? paperwork".
Then? We had to answer questions like: Do you want a boy or a girl? Would you like twins? How old/young are you looking for? etc.......
And I had to start? thinking about the baby. It was a strange sensation. What would it be like to look in the back of the car EVERY DAY and see a child? What would it be like to drop the baby off with the sitter? How hard would it be to go back to work when I have a child who NEEDS extra time for attachment and bonding at home? Would the baby know any Amharic words and say them periodically? Would I know enough of the language to figure out what the baby wanted? What about the pets? What about summers? What about Christmas? If the baby's a girl, how soon could I rack up thousands of those beautiful bows and flowers for her hair? If the baby's a boy, where can I find newsboy hats for him to wear. always.?
Strange. Strange. Issues. Going. Through. My. Mind.
That's when I realized. What was happening. I had come down with?
The Infamous Fever.
Now, I pride myself on being a logical realist. I recognize that this grueling process we are smack-dab in the middle of...will most likely last another year or so. I recognize that by the time there is ACTUALLY a child, I will have been sick a LONG. time. And honestly? I recognize that while I am looking at the homestudy approval process and the impending horrific "dossier paperchase" that is about to ensue? That having "the fever" (even a low grade fever) is a bad. bad. deal.
I just don't know what to do about it.
I need help.
I need help.
'Til I am well again,