Tuesday, November 8, 2011


I often have to remind myself about expectations.  Setting them. Releasing them. NOT having them at all.

You see, in this funny business of Hurry Up and Wait, it seems that it can become almost TOO easy to create fantasies (both good and bad) about That Moment.

Who hasn't watched a good Forever Family Day video or two?

Who hasn't cried at the wealth of emotion and love displayed?

Who hasn't imagined what that day might look like for your family?

Don't get me wrong. I want That kind of introduction, too.  But I know that for every beautiful moment caught on film, there are 10 others filled with apprehension, rejection, and fear. Those moments probably don't make the videos very often....

I think it's our human nature to  try creating  fairytales out of our*sometimes mediocre* lives ( I said sometimes, don't shoot me yet).

And this is no exception.

Of course, I want my sweet daughter to have an immediate connection with me.

I want her to melt into my arms and stare deeply into my eyes, completely confident in me as her mother.

I want to see restoration immediately begin happening in my daughter's heart.

But I don't live in a fairy-tale.

And in reality? We're talking about a very young little girl who has experienced more loss and trauma than most of us can comprehend.

We're talking about strangers who don't look anything like her, who don't speak her language, who don't smell the way other caretakers smell. And who will *probably* be quite disheveled and jet-lagged.

I don't remember reading anything quite so terrifying in any of my childhood fairytales.

Not to mention, they have probably only recently started introducing the idea of a mommy/daddy scenario to her.  So while I DESIRE for her to immediately realize the depth of my love for her, I UNDERSTAND why she won't.

No, I have to set that "attachment bar" much.  much.  lower.
In fact, I will be thrilled if she doesn't go screaming into another room
(If it were me, I probably would).

And, of course, it breaks my heart to know that this won't look like a storybook fairytale.

Of course, it hurts to recognize that rejection--or at the very least apprehension-- are possible players in this story.

Of course, this excitement and anxiousness cocktail are constantly at war with each other in my soul.

But, when God called us towards adoption, there were no promises of roses and rainbows. He made no  effort to "sugar-coat" things or "trick" us with glowing imaginations. (I did those lovelies-- all by myself).

Instead, he broke my heart.

He reminded me of what it took to bring me Redemption.

He recalled, for me, my own story of becoming part of His family.

He declared me as a child of God always, even though I have--at times-- been:


Full of rejection.

Struggling down the path of healing that is littered with past grief, hurts, rejections, abandonments. Trauma.

And through it all, He walked with me.

He comforted me.

He picked me up and dusted me off.

 And He said the words, "You Are Mine". Over and over.

And so. No.  I don't expect a fairytale. At least not in the Annie sense.

But I happen to think God writes much better stories, anyways.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire.  He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope."   Jeremiah 29:11

*Foot-note:  I mentioned that we have examined our "expectations" of this journey and that is completely true...but it doesn't mean we won't experience hurts, frustrations, and weariness in this. (as we have already many times), so please continue to pray for us: For God's Favor, For Open Doors, For Miracles.....While our "expectations" may be realistic, I know we serve a Supernatural God... One who is often looking for opportunities to surprise us, and I *personally*  happen to think this is a perfect one.


Anonymous said...

I think its important to have at least some of those fairy tale expectations throughout the process... they have helped keep up motivated when times seem grim and no news is coming our way. YOUR fairy tale expectations have helped keep ME motivated :-)
The Husband

Ashley said...

God is doing amazing things in your life and your little girl's life right now. I can't wait to see what happens when He brings you together!

asiaelizabeth said...

I'm so excited for you that the day is finally coming.

I wanted to share that with one of my siblings my little brother (20 years younger than me) was adopted at age 3 he saw my parents who look nothing like him ( hes from China) grabbed on and never looked back.He had hand and feet deformities that were easily fixable with surgery and therapy but was shunned because of them in his orphanage. He is an incredible, beautiful, well adjusted 10 year old. Hes my Dad in minature( personality wise) God surely knew what he was doing! My sister also Chinese was adopted at 2 1/2.She was raised in a foster home where she was deeply loved and felt abandoned by her foster family when my parents adopted her. She had to deeply mourn.She is obsessed with all things Chinese which we strongly encourage.She is a joy though and its uncanny how much like me she is. My brother wants nothing to do with his home country. So different. I just wanted to share my experiences with this. Sometimes those who have experienced the most tragedy need that human connection the most.I'm sure it wont be easy either way or some where in between but with Gods love and assurance I'm sure your family will connect beautifully over time!Thank you again for sharing your journey! Expect a package when you get back. I hope you like German chocolate!

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