A painfully clear 5.

For 5 months we have been actively waiting for Baby Smith's referral.

Well. 5 months, yesterday, that is.

I missed it. 

Not that I haven't felt every single painstaking moment of the past 5 months....or even the past 15 months since our journey began.

Because I have. every. single. minute. of. every. single. day.

I have prayed for my child with an unexplainable urgency and fervor since the moment I said "yes" to God's calling.

In fact, I have been praying for ALL orphans since that moment. 

For people who look at us and think we are some kind of saints for adopting....know we're not any different than you. We are simply two people who decided to say "yes".

None of this desperation was there [for me] before that moment. None of this powerful brokenness for the way we have allowed the condition of humanity to deteriorate. In face, I am ashamed to say that none of this passion to help create REAL SOLUTIONS (not just adoption) was even on my radar.

But it was on God's radar.

And He knew that it needed to be on mine, too.

I read a quote earlier that resonated clearly in my heart.

"Adoption is a calling.  Caring for orphans is a mandate.".

We are all expected to care for orphans. In fact, if there is one thing that was dug deep into my soul in my graduate Ethics class, it's this: Human dignity is a right that we all have for no other reason than that we were created in His image. All things should be done for the sake of humanity.

YOU. are expected to actively respect the dignity of humanity. To actively care for the orphans and the widows.the sick and the poor. It's a mandate for us all.

But adoption? Is a calling... And callings? are never easy {Well, maybe yours is...but that hasn't been my experience}. That is one thing that has been made excruciatingly clear to me.

But... I am certain that His rewards are never small, either.

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As I sit here, today.... I am barely holding it together {Update: lost it somewhere between writing and revising}. Not just the pain of waiting (although that is immense)...It's just that sometimes it feels like I have a house of cards balancing very carefully....and any wrong move could send everything I hold dear tumbling down. And I like my house of cards........

If I am being completely honest here.....I have prayed since December for a February referral. Yeah, I know...that wouldn't have even been 5 months waiting. Yes, I know...Iit was ridiculous to build up false hope...and yes, I realize that it's not as if I had heard a "Thus saith the Lord" or anything....

I just? Needed that glimmer of hope, I guess, that {just maybe} we could be that one family who gets the call earlier than expected.

We weren't.

I have learned to accept that I am rarely ever the exception to the rule.

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Trusting in God when everything is easy? Is easy.

Trusting in God when everything is hard? Is hard.

But trusting in God?  is ALWAYS necessary.

God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear, though the earth should change and though the mountains slip into the heart of the sea; though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains quake at its swelling pride.The LORD of hosts is with us; the God of Jacob is our stronghold. Selah. Psalm 46:1-3,7

Today? In the midst of mountains that are tall and roaring waters that seem overwhelming... I am declaring that God is my stronghold. My refuge in despair. The lover of my soul who has never forsaken or forgotten about me. He is my all in all.

But that? Doesn't make it any easier, today.