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I recently gave up facebook. It is important to disclose that, as we move on, for a few reasons. 1.) It would surprise many people that I have actually blogged two days in a row and would certainly raise curiosity! 2.) The truth is I am only blogging two days in a row because I have simply transferred one addiction for another and, as I mentioned before, I gave up facebook!! But, that's really what I wanted to write about anyways...
See, I remember a lot...If you ask my husband, he would say I forget NOTHING. But, there are things that I know I just CAN'T remember. I remember why I am scared of wasps, I remember WANTING to know what a broken bone felt like, what wearing glasses were like, and even what it felt like to have braces...But I can't remember at what point "perfectionism" (not a good thing) was ingrained in me, I don't remember how you go about re-cultivating relationships, and, oddly, I don't remember life before online networking..Even now, I have checked my "blog list" several times today and I am even looking for NEW blogs to subscribe too...but, there WAS life before the internet, right???
I think this blog has given me an outlet to channel all my thoughts. I always talk about how busy I am, but I don't remember what it felt like to NOT be stretched and I don't know whether or not I could live without all these factors anyways! I have old friends that I haven't spoken to in years, and even though I DO remember all the great times we had together, I just don't know how to start back at square one. I mean, I am sure I have done it before...I just don't really remember how... It just surprises me all the things I CAN'T remember...
I always talk about all the things I will stop doing when I have kids. People assume that because I DON'T have kids that it means I don't LIKE them.. That's not true, I just know that everything I do everyday shares me with everything else...God, church, work, school, house, pets, HUSBAND... I am only being cautious to ensure that my children don't feel like they were "sharing" me with all these temporal things...So, I say that I will quit many of them (or finish) before kids...but the truth is, I don't remember NOT being busy with so many things..So, isn't it just more likely that I will just pick up new things to take my time?? Aren't there just going to be 100 more things pulling at me? It's a scary thought.
I want to be good at it all (you only need to read a few of my past blogs to know that I am NOT) but I never cut back enough that I can be truly great at a few things...I guess I just don't want to be mediocre and I worry that, that's all I really can be at 100 different things...Mediocre.
Isn't that just the deadliest plague....
Til next time (or tomorrow, probably) ;-)
~~Ashley
It never ceases to amaze me how so much of life is controlled by TIME. It seems like yesterday it was moving SO slowly that I thought it would never pass at all...Now, I realize how much age changes perspective. TIME, this thing I fought so harshly in my school days, I now find myself wooing it to slow down once again.... I realized tonight that, I don't make enough TIME for old friends, kids grow up to fast, and months and years pass without asking permission first.
Over the course of the last few weeks, I have been faced with many relationships. Ones that were lost , and now are trying to be found again; ones that time has been an enemy of, with so many things changing in our lives that we don't even know each other anymore, and ones that it seems time actually stops for. We can pick up right where we left off as if no time has passed at all. Of course, children are born and they grow up. But the relationships seem to freeze in time until the next time we can see each other. Its an awesome thing. Time.
I don't know how to express the events of the past month. Of course, if time weren't my enemy, I would only be telling you about the past week. In July, we took our youth to camp in Branson this summer and they had an awesome experience. It seems that camp is one of those special times where God actually let's me go BACK in time and I really feel like a teenager again. So many things happened at camp that make me who I am today and I become one of the kids for a week, it's nice... Don't judge me, if you don't get that opportunity, I guarantee you wish you did. But the thing about camp that always strikes me as ironic, is that the first two days are spent with the kids wishing the week were over and the last 2 days are spent wishing it would never end. Don't you wish we could tell this generation of all our wisdom about time??? Don't you think if someone would have told us, we would have listened?? Of course not...So we let them battle time the way we once did, knowing that age will change their perspective too....
Last week, I had dinner with old friends...I mean, fifth grade; tether ball courts; awkward hair and heights friends...Of course, once again...time is my enemy. Now, I see, in front of me, a pastor with a beautiful wife and young daughter. I wonder if high school will still seem so close behind me in 50 years? I wonder, if instead, 26 will be "just yesterday"?
Then, tonight, we had dinner with some really great friends. Ones whom we admire and trully love (and no, I am not just writing this because you read my blog Tracie!) but once again, time gets in the way of everything. Everytime we get together, it's like no time at all has passed and we sit, laugh, and say how we won't let as much time pass again..Their three year old little girl is now 9 (going on 10) and the babies in diapers are comedians, drummers, and DEFINITELY all boy...and time didn't care what we wanted, where we wanted it to slow down, and the hard times we wanted to get through quickly...It just doesn't even ask. And next thing we know, its been 6 months again and the cycle continues.. this time we are all just a little older, a little more time has passed.
I have graduate school coming up in the fall, an adoption process I want to start in the next year, and so many projects I hope to start, yet it all seems like its a universe away from me, but I am now well aware, that, in the future looking back, I will curse time for going to quickly, for not allowing me to savor the really special moments, for not giving me the time I wanted to experience all I could and for once again...not asking permission. I just hope that, now that I know all this, I am wiser and more thoughtful with the time I do have..NOW.
I guess my revelation, today, is that we should MAKE time for the people who are important, for the relationships you want cultivated, and for those things that matter most. Don't rush the times that seem menial and small, you will regret not savoring them when they are gone. And, don't expect time to ever ask permission. Just love the time you have. Love God, love your family, love your friends, forgive those who have hurt you, ask for forgiveness from the ones you have hurt and beat time at its own game, by living life to the fullest.
Goodnight, Ashley
P.S. Thanks Tracie for reminding me that I wanted to be good at this, and making me and my blog feel so special. Love you.
Well, I decided to take the few minutes I have free today and blog a little. I have been so busy and in a good way. Work is going really well, and although I need to focus a little harder on new partners....my time has been very busy with the ones I currently have! How am I supposed to cultivate new relationships when I can barely keep up with the ones I have now?!? I find in amusing that as hard as I try to be organized I can still manage to get SO FAR BEHIND at work and at home.
I truly haven't had more than 15 minutes at a time at home, and I certainly haven't used that time to clean my house. Unfortunately for me, when my house in a disarray, that carries over to everything else in my life. I not only run around ragged but have become incredibly forgetful! I totally blame that on a messy house. I just don't know when to get to it?!?! This week, my week looked like this: Monday night-Worked until 6:30; Tuesday night- Started my day at 7:15 at CNE and was still in meetings at 6:30 that night; Wednesday night- Worked until 5:30 and headed to church..Got home at 9pm; Thursday night- Events from 10am-7pm then church until 8:30; Friday night ( well I suppose I COULD clean some Friday night); Saturday- Car Wash from 9am-3pm and Sunday-Church...See?? I do NOT make this stuff up!!
And now I am adding on top of everything else school (which I start in less than a month) and I just can't imagine what else could fall by the wayside...I have missed my favorite classes all week and unfortunately, I don't see that changing any time soon..It's just a busy time of year! Of course, any time of year is a busy time of year for my family!! I am really tired..I wish I could sleep well, work out, go to work, clean my house, handle the youth group, go to school and be a good wife and balance it all well enough to earn an award but I just don't see that happening...
Honestly sometimes I worry about (with all these plates balancing) which one will be the next to fall?? I have already lost sleep well and clean house to the pit below my balance beam... I realize how much it SOUNDS like I am complaining but if I can't complain on my own blog, then nothing is sacred. Til next time, Ashley
Well another Monday has come along and ruined my wonderful weekend. And, this weekend, was in fact wonderful. I was so blessed to get to reconnect with old friends, spend quality time with not-so-old friends and celebrate the independence of my country complete with BBQ and fireworks all in one weekend. It really was splendid. I was so excited to meet my friend Ruth's darling little girl and see how conscious Ruth is not to let her become a wimp like her mommy (ha ha) and she is definitely NOT one..She is fearless and just the cutest little this this side of AR (my nephews live there so I suppose I am biased) Anyways, if I were to be easily swayed, she would make me want kids :-)....Don't worry though, I'm not.
In other news, we have a lot of great activities planned for the youth coming up in the next couple of weeks including a car wash, camp, a barbeque and a float trip. I think come fall, I am going to take a break from planning so many activities...especially with my Masters starting then. I just don't think I can do it all! Not to mention the unappreciation I feel at times. I really have to pray through those emotions because its hard sometimes not to allow myself to become angry and bitter. Parents are most of the time, the worst. They want their kids to have plenty of stuff to be involved with and do all summer but don't recognize that we have to sacrifice a lot to make that happen. They just don't think its a big deal to just not bring their kids to stuff. Well, when you have youth leaders who work full-time jobs outside of the church and have many other obligations to tend to, its a real slap in the face to see that even the parents are willing to walk all over you. It hurts, but I know this is only for a season and I trust that in the bigger canvas God is painting, its all for a reason.
I have added a classy picture of my nephew Isaac to this post for everyone's enjoyment. He has really become a Poppa's boy (my mom's husband Steven) and just loves the freedom that comes with Nana and Poppa...Its so cute! I wish I saw him more often but hopefully he knows who I am anyways....
To all out there, be proud of our country. Of those who fought and those who died, so that each year on July 4th, we can celebrate that we are indeed Free. I love this country. I am so proud to be an American and I am proud of the Americans who serve our country so I can say these things without fear of punishment. God Bless America.
LAZY....and for those who may have attempted following my "blog"...that's what it appears I am. But I swear my life is no less complex and busy than it was 4 months ago..I just forgot...Yes, that's a better word for it "FORGETFUL". I honestly felt compelled to write another post after my great friend Rene realized I even HAD a blog and commented on my notes from Feb. and then when I decided to check out her comments, I realized she has been incredibly faithful to hers...oops.
So much has gone on since February that I almost just have to start new today and hope you can all catch up (ha ha...all, as if there are so many of you!!) We have an incredible summer planned for our youth group, but as with everything in life, where there is progress, there is also attack. I feel pretty attacked lately by the devil and I am consciously trying to move in prayer and not bitterness or defeat. I feel confident that I am doing what God wants me to (at least for today) and I just have to press through the hardships that will, no doubt, come with it. I only have two "free" Saturdays this entire summer and I am about to fill one of them with a CPR certification class at the local Red Cross. I really need to get better organized about housework and originally, I had planned to leave Sat. mornings free for that. But, alas, if there is an opportunity to plan something else on Saturdays, I will once again throw housework by the wayside. Can someone just come do it for me?
In other news, the weekend before we took our bomb of a vacation (aka cruise to the Bahamas), I ran my first 5K at the OK Aquarium, and did alright even by my own standards. I say first 5K, not because I intend to run them all the time, but more because since I now know I CAN do it, I don't see why I couldn't do a few every year...What, it's for a good cause (and you get a t-shirt) :-) I have also stayed pretty consistent at the gym and with my group classes, so much so that I am a "staple" in the classes and even have my own "spot". I am not extremely friendly when I work out but that hasn't stopped me from making a few "acquaintances" along the way and boy, do they motivate me when I am ready to quit! Its been really good for me.
I am looking forward to our 4th of July celebrations this weekend. Friday, we will be heading to Springfield for their festival and meeting some extremely DEAR friends there to enjoy the day with! Then Saturday, we will head over to some friends in town's home to WATCH the locals blow up the sky, eat some good BBQ, and swim the heat away! I will be exhausted on Sunday (when I am covering Children's Church) but I will never regret a single moment.
I really hope I can do a better job of documenting my life on here. I read my first post as motivation and instead of feeling motivated, I simply wanted to delete it so that there was no real evidence that I had intended to be a great blogger. I need to get lessons from a few of you seasoned bloggers....like, for instance...what do all the abbreviations mean? I feel lost sometimes, like I am in a foreign land, but I guess...when in Rome, do as the Romans do!
TTYL
Ashley
