Thursday, December 29, 2011

5 Things On My Mind: Anyone need a few New Year's Resolutions??

As people start gathering all the ways they might make their lives better?

As they take all their goals and dreams and compile them into a beautiful list and prepare to ring a new year filled with better choices?

I thought it would only be appropriate for me to offer up a few options that I believe would make our world a better place.

You know, in case you are having trouble coming up with an adequate list....

Here are some items I believe should be on everyone's resolution list this year:

1.  Stop dressing animals up as people.

There is something just. so. wrong. about this new fad in our society. Your dog's dignity depends on you being better than this.

I can't think of anything else that needs to be said here.

2.  Park straight.

 Really? Do you not realize the ripple effect of crazytown you start with this nonsense? Do you even think about the fifty other people who have to look like donkeys because they have to park crazy because YOU parked crazy?

Let's make this a crooked-free 2012, shall we?

3.  No More One-Uping.

The reason Kristen Wiig is so funny as Penelope is because we all have someone's face we can imagine when she gets going. People? The one-uping has Got. To. Go. already.

I get it. Every now and then you have a moment you just. must. share.  You get carried away and you can't help yourself.

I've been there, too.  I have inadvertently one-upped a love one in a moment of impulse.

I'm not proud of it. But I've done it.

But it's not the inadvertent one-ups that really get my goat. It's the people who word-vomit a constant barrage of one-ups, reminding those around them that they are WAY UP HERE and all the rest of us are all way down here.

Consider this your intervention.

Say "No" to one-upping today. Friends, we can start a revolution!

4.  Commit to walk properly in public places.

Close your eyes with me for a second, if you will. Now, imagine you are in elementary school. You are walking in a line down the hall to recess....

What does your line look like?

Are you zig-zagging down the hallway? Are you right in the middle? Are you going so slow that people have to dodge you left and right to avoid stepping on your shoes??

NO! You are on the RIGHT side of the hallway. And you are keeping with the flow of traffic.

This should be second nature, folks. We are groomed from childhood to walk properly in public places for crying out loud!

Friends, if we can Get This, I truly believe we can achieve anything. World Peace? A Man on Mars? Nothing will be impossible for us!

Together? Let's resolve to walk at an appropriate pace in public.

Let's agree that zig-zagging and middle-walking is intolerable.

Let's commit to walking on the Right Side of the aisles.

Because We? Are worth it.

5.  No More Email Forwards.

Really? Are we really a culture that would give our loved-ones crap? first, the dreaded (and quite unexpected) email crap? and now this new generation of text-crap?

We can do this, friends. We can break the chain.

And, here are the statistics regarding what happens to those who do NOT forward emails (just in case you are gripped by the fear that something tragic will--indeed--happen to you if you fail to subject your family members to ridiculousness)

In the words of FDR, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".

Stop hatin' on your family and friends. Learn the power of delete.

We all thank you in advance.

So there you have it. Five opportunities to better our world with your New Year's Resolutions!

Happy New Year. May we all do fewer annoying things this year.



Ashley said...

Love this!

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