Square pegs and round holes.....

Do you ever just feel like you don't belong? I look around me and I am constantly frustrated thinking "God, I know that there is more to your plan for my life than this". I grew up in a small youth group with a LOT of young leaders. Now, in fact because we were a small church it basically meant that all the youth were young leaders.We never took our salvation for granted. We pressed in with everything we had, forsaking all others in pursuit of the kingdom of God. Our hang-outs included "Nerts" and discussions about deliverance, the love of God, spiritual deepness, etc...None of us doubted the destiny of any of us. We were called. We were chosen. We were going to change the world. And I still believe that wholeheartedly.

Now, I look around me and there aren't any Hardkor people here. No one who I can talk about my experiences, my zeal and desires with...And all of the sudden, I realize I have been trying to cram this square peg I was created as into the round hole that is nearby, just so I can pretend to fit in somewhere...I can dig it in there pretty good but it's never going to fit perfectly. My destiny was never to be in a round hole so it's always going to feel uncomfortable and strange and it's always going to make me frustrated. So the question is, Where do I find my square hole, because I refuse to waste more time fitting into the wrong size and wasting time that is precious to my destiny. Hardkor kids would have it no other way.

^{Hebrews 12: 1-3} Do you see what this means—all these pioneers who blazed the way, all these veterans cheering us on? It means we'd better get on with it. Strip down, start running—and never quit! No extra spiritual fat, no parasitic sins. Keep your eyes on Jesus, who both began and finished this race we're in. Study how he did it. Because he never lost sight of where he was headed—that exhilarating finish in and with God—he could put up with anything along the way: Cross, shame, whatever. And now he's there, in the place of honor, right alongside God. When you find yourselves flagging in your faith, go over that story again, item by item, that long litany of hostility he plowed through. That will shoot adrenaline into your souls! (Message)

A great post I read recently on Creating A Family.org...

You Know You Are Ready to Start Thinking About Maybe the Possibility of Adoption When…

by Dawn

Dawn, over at Fertility Authority , asked me to write something for them on how to know when you’re ready to start exploring adoption. She didn’t want this to be, a “Here’s how you know you’re ready to adopt” article, but rather a “How you know when you’re ready to even THINK about it.”  She also asked that I keep it to 300 words—Ha, like that’s going to ever happen!?!.

It’s only fair to start by saying that lots of folks who find they are struggling with conception are open to adoption from the very beginning.  Their first choice may be to get pregnant, but they are mulling over adoption while they try.  It’s also fair to point out that others will never be ready to think about adoption.  Their Plan B if trying to conceive fails is to make peace with living child free.  But indeed, there are lots of people who fall in between, so here goes.
You Know You Are Ready to Start Thinking About Maybe the Possibility of Adoption When…

1. You find yourself noticing families that don’t obviously match and wondering if they were created by adoption.
2. You make note that these families act kind of like other families.
3. You make a second note that these families, especially the parents, look happy.
4. The thought of the next step up the infertility treatment ladder seems daunting, and fills you with weariness rather than hope.
5. When you hear of the tragedy in Haiti, rather than just thinking “How sad”, you think “Hey, there may be kids who need parents, and here we are parents-in-waiting who need kids.  Humm, I wonder???”
6. Just the tiniest little piece of you is more curious than afraid of the thought of adopting, while the rest of you is still terrified and feels like adoption would be giving up.
7. You listen to all the Creating a Family radio shows instead of skipping the adoption related shows.
8. You start to find those lists of famous adopted people fascinating. Who knew that Steve Jobs and Faith Hill were adopted?  They even seem pretty normal.
9. Your ears prick up when you hear that an infertility friend adopted. You don’t necessarily ask questions, but you don’t avoid listening to the talk.  You even find yourself reading the adoption posts on the infertility forums you frequent.
10. You start considering that there is a point where you may have to say “no” to more treatment.

Hey, the list is only 253 words! And you didn’t think I had brevity in me, did you?

Meaningless, Meaningless...Everything is meaningless....

I have so much on my mind right now, I can't even formulate the words. Sometimes life pushes you right up to the edge where you have no choice but to remember that, in the great words of Solomon, "Everything is meaningless". I wish I had chosen a life without all the things that now tie me down. that keep me from being able to re-evaluate what is really important by just picking up and  moving to a third-world country for a few months...or even just Kansas City. It seems that, in life, it takes far longer to pick up stakes than it ever took to plant them......

January is like the houseguest who has outstayed his welcome.

I don't like January. There really are a number of reasons I don't like January, all with logical arguments, and I generally don't share them...In fact, most years, I can get by without even acknowledging my distaste. This, after weeks of extreme cold temperatures, no sunlight and an enormous amount of work to do, would NOT be one of those years... So, here is my much shortened list of reasons to dislike January.

1. January comes right after Christmas. I know it's not January's fault, that this is just the hand it was dealt, but ultimately, I LOVE Christmas, and January is the furthest amount of time from Christmas. I hate *and am guilty of doing this* the way all the Christmas decorations are still up but never turned on...just making January even more gloomy and sad. It's like all the life was stolen from the holidays and the decaying carcass that remains is January.

2. January is cold. There is no way around it. Even in the south (even in the DEEP south this year) it is cold. I don't like "bundling up" just to get the mail. I don't like seeing my breath. And I really REALLY don't like the gray overcast that seems to take over January. The snow and ice get piled up in disgusting dirt mounds everywhere and the roads, cars, and people wear the bitterness around like a scarf. Even when the sun is shining, it's still... January.

3. Lack of vitamin D..and before you give me the "take a supplement" lecture...I prefer the natural method...which, since giving up the luxury of a tanning bed, I don't get in January. This makes me move slower, I smile less, and slowly, but surely, my skin becomes transparent making me worry that at some point, if this continues, I will disappear altogether. I am a southern girl. I need warmth and sunlight. That is all there is to it!

4. January requires you to "get back in the swing of things" with regard to working a full 5 days a week and not having any holiday time. I personally believe there should be a "phase in" period that helps people acclimate back from the joys of 2 or 3 days off every couple of weeks. It's not fair to expect us to be able to jump back in after weeks of sleeping in and overeating. No one can quit that cold turkey.(Pun was DEFINITELY intended) =))

5. Finally, life goes on as usual in January. I still have school, still have work and church and youth, still have a house to clean, organize, rearrange rooms and..oh, did I mention put up all my Christmas decor??? and I still have piles of paperwork to complete, notarize, order certified copies of and then MAKE more copies of....

If January and winter MUST exist, then I vote for hibernation =)

Happy Friday.