A Different Kind of Sunday Share!

Today I have a special edition of Sunday Share!

I am so excited to be featured on The R House in their Blessed by Adoption series!

Go show me some love over there and stay around! The R House is an awesome website and Mrs. R honors all the important points in the triad (birthfamily, children, adoptive family), speaks openly about the beauty of open adoptions and celebrates adoption and all it's blessings!  I am so inspired by all the stories I have read and am so excited to be part of that series today!!

Mommy Guilt

I knew it was coming.

I mean, it was unlikely that I was going to be the exception to the rule....


The truth is?

I work full-time.

Sometimes I have to travel (though not often--and not far).

And even with a flexible schedule, there are things that I just. can't. get. out. of.


So what does that mean?

It means that I missed Marvel's first field trip.

It means that Marvel is part of the exclusive "after-care" crew whose parents aren't waiting in the pick-up lane at 3pm.

It means that I can't volunteer in his classroom like some moms can.

Or help decorate the bulletin boards (??).

And it often means that I am the last mom signing up for food for the Thanksgiving Feast, or Grandparents Day (don't even get me started on the guilt they smooshed all over me for that one...) or their Israel song celebration (again. ?)

But all of that? I could deal with.

I could hold my head high when picking Marvel up 10 minutes before the $1/minute after-after care starts.

I could smile on my way out the door as I pass the volunteering mommas on their way in.

I could even sleep at night knowing I didn't sign-up to bring anything for Israel-song-grandparent-thanksgiving-feast-day.

But missing a school production?

With all the costumes? The song and dance? The smiling faces as kids see their parents in the crowds?

That has almost destroyed me.

I'm swimming in Mommy-guilt, ya'll.

You see, I have a commitment with work at an event 2 hours away.

And Marvel's production? Is at 9:30 in the morning (why do they keep doing this to me??)...

The Husband has graciously offered to go in my place, video the whole thing, cheer and even bring a dish for the celebration afterwards...

And I'll take him up on all of the above.

But?  I should be there.

Tearing up because my baby is singing some ridiculous song on stage.

Laughing and visiting with all the other moms during the refreshments after.

Hugging and cheering when the announce Marvel's name and he comes running down to me.

Because I'm the momma.

And that's what we do.

And even though I knew I would --at some point-- suffer the wrath of mommy guilt?

It doesn't make it any easier.....

Tell me this won't scar my child forever please??

Sunday Share

I read some amazing blogs.

Some that I agree with, Some that I don't.

But regardless their perspectives are important and valid and every week let's be honest periodically on Sunday Share, I want to point you in the direction of those blogs that I was gripped by during the week!
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If you need a good "shake your head" adoption moment, you should head over to Rage Against The Minivan and watch the video posted here!  While it made me laugh, the truth is that I would hope that in the midst of the humor it brings to reality some of the insensitive things that are often chunked at transracial familes.  She also has a couple links to posts about things you can say as alternatives ;-)  Good stuff here, friends!

Next is an awesome post from One Thankful Mom about the special sleep needs of our children from hard places. This one hit me in the gut since it has been our greatest area of need since bringing Marvel home! Great thoughts!

Finally Kelly over at My Overthinking wrote a post that had me thinking all week about opportunities I might be missing in my life....Ya'll should check out The Word In Mandarin  

Over here? We're gearing up for a busy week of swim lessons, birthday parties, soccer games and a quick family trip.  Whew!! 

Tools of Transition: The Schedule

For the introduction to this series, click Here!

As many of you know, Marvel is our first little one.

Needless to say, these were unchartered waters.


We were are a little green when it comes to the whole "parenting" thing. And then, the icing on the cake?

We jumped into the pool in the deep end.

By adopting an older child and taking the poor thing halfway around the world to navigate everything from language to cultural norms to family....Nice.


But, after reading so much literature and speaking with so many people who had been 'there', I knew that structure would be key. 

Flexible. Adjustable. Compromising.

And yet... Unchanging. Solid. And Dependable.

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For us? It was important that Marvel have some control over the schedule and be able to refer back to it often.  There was a season, right after we got home, when I was able to stay home with him so this schedule became quickly integrated into our lives. We started the day off by looking at the schedule to see "what was first" and it wasn't long before several times a day, Marvel would come running into the room say "First this, then this, then this!" 

It was obvious that structure gave him peace and helped him feel in control of what was happening.

We used laminated pictures with velcro backs to indicate individual items.

There are two velcro strips on the board that the pictures can adhere to and a variety of activities to put on the board!

Many of Marvel's favorite things on the schedule included tv (go figure), book time, and learning time.

As you can see, below the schedule there are folders for each day (except Friday when we did field trips) with workbooks in them. During those first few months, we were strategic in what we learned each day and each learning time was rewarded with a sticker!  

Now? Marvel is in school all day and rarely desires additional learning time in the evenings. But when he does (usually on the weekends) he will go through his folders and pick out a workbook to go through on his own!

I think that the best part of our calendar/learning time system was the foundation it laid for Marvel. Now, when he's bored on a Sunday afternoon (and is out of tv minutes) he often goes to look at the calendar to see what comes next and will fill any empty minutes with things like puzzles, books, and learning time!

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The other piece of structure that-- we realized very quickly-- would be important to Marvel is the Responsibility Chart

Marvel came from a living situation in which chores were obviously part of his reality. He very quickly began taking on little bits of responsibility each day without us even prompting.

The first was his desire to care for Moses, our dog.

Marvel really wanted to take care of Moses, thus his daily chore became feeding and watering Moses and letting him in/out as needed. The rest of the days had rotating "chores" like helping with laundry, emptying the dishwasher, cleaning his room, and cleaning the backyard.  

The chart was built for longterm use and the idea of adding additional chores as well as additional children to the mix. We really only use the top week and rotate there as necessary but I am hopeful this Responsibility Chart has a long life in our family!!

Finally talking about surprised and changes to the schedule were and still are really important for Marvel to be able to process and deal with what happened next.

One example of a [really recent] time this was made completely evident was when school was out of session one day but they had an optional child-care. I hadn't really prepared Marvel for the fact that his teacher, classroom routine and basically everything "normal" was going to be different. 

That was a big big big mistake. 

It reminded me that even though Marvel seems so well-adapted at times, we have to be consistent in the way we handle new situations because his little mind and body are still processing so much!!

In our world, structure has been a glue that has held us together at times!!! Definitely an important tool!!

Stay tuned for the next edition of Tools of Transition!

I couldn't fix it

I think the hardest thing for me to accept in life is that there are things I simply can't fix.

Choices that others make that --agree or not-- I just don't get a vote on.

Hurts, struggles, grief that I see people walk through--and yet, there is nothing I can do to make it better.

As a "do-er" by nature, these things have always been hard for me to accept.

But last night? As my sweet baby boy told me he was sad, but didn't have the words to explain it in any greater detail?

That was the first point in my life, in which I would have moved Heaven and Earth to "fix it".

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I think so many times we do our very best to prepare for grief.

We see it in their coping mechanisms.

We acknowledge that it's the root cause of their behavioral issues.

Their sleep issues.

Their meltdowns.

We have tools to help our children regulate their emotions.

Tips and tricks to teach them new behavior patterns.

Entire libraries full of books to remind us that connection must be the foundation of correction.

And yet, at the end of the day?

Looking into eyes filled with sadness and words trapped behind a language barrier?

I didn't have any tools in mind. No tricks up my sleeve.

I just wanted to fix it.

And I couldn't.

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I can't change the fact that he misses people he loves dearly in Africa.

I can't remove the hurts and loss he's suffered. Some he may not even recall exactly, but he know's he's sad...

I can't tell him when or if it will all go away. That the pain and grief will magically disappear and all of the sudden, he'll be completely free of those early scars.

But I would.  If there was any way in this world that I could heal him, I would do it.

I think that's at the very core of the heart of a parent. And as I sit here swallowing down the lumps in my throat even just recalling the sadness in his eyes..I'm reminded that we are not his only "parents". He has a Heavenly Father who loves him with even more fierceness than I do.

He has a Father who IS capable of bringing his heart healing and filling voids that I simply can't fill.

He is a child of the Most High and his Father will move Heaven and Earth to bring him healing.

I am confident in this.

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And while I know that Marvel struggles between the joy, love and trust he is building with us and the sadness, grief and sorrow at what he's left behind, I am made more and more aware that healing isn't an overnight process.

That joy and grief aren't mutually exclusive.

That walking this path of healing isn't going to be an easy or short journey.

But that, through it all,  we can hold fast to these truths:

That "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up all their wounds" (Psalm 147:3)

That He promised he could give rest to all those who labor and are heavy laden. That if we would take His yoke upon us and learn from him, we would see that He is gently and lowly in heart and we would find rest for our souls. For His yoke is easy and his burden is light.  (Matthew 11:28-30)

That sorrow may last for the night...but joy comes in the morning (Psalm 30:5)


I don't know what the future will look like. I can make my sweet boy no guarantees about how he will feel in one year...Or 10...Or 20. 

But I can promise him, with every fiber of my being, that we will walk this path with him. That he is NEVER going to be alone. That it is ALWAYS okay to be sad or angry or happy. That how he feels is valid and that we are never going to leave. That we will be right there with him. In the times when he doesn't want to dig deep into the well of emotions. And in those times when he feels his loss the deepest.

And I can Guarantee to him that our God is faithful and has promised him healing and wholeness in ways we could never offer him.

I once heard it said that sorrow may last through the night, but joy WILL come in the morning. And that, if joy isn't there, then it isn't morning yet. 

Hold fast.

Because it WILL come.