Wednesday, February 8, 2012

What Ifs and My Village.

When you face a situation of overwhelming sadness and loss with the whole world (okay, maybe not the Whole world) watching and asking questions and unknowingly (I believe anyways) minimizing your grief.. you can't help but wonder if you asked for it by being open and transparent in your journey.... And the questions begin to fill your brain like  marshmallows in a microwave...

What if you had done this..
Or that...
What should you do in the future...
Or say...
Or not say.
And after accepting the fact that we are not invincible. No really, apparently we are human, afterall ... I couldn't help but try to provide myself with as many protective walls and guards as possible.
I mean, don't I deserve them?
But, one day,  after explaining my plan to disclose nothing  very little as we proceed again in the 'wonderful world of waiting' to a friend, she left me with two different scenarios.
One SIL, after miscarrying a child, had decided not to share her pregnancy until she was well into the second trimester. I totally get it....What if it happens again? Why put yourself out there for all the questions? Comments? Sorrowful glances?
But a different SIL? said she saw no choice but to share her good news after having lost a child...The prayers of those that stood by her during that difficult season were the very thing that got her through to this joyful one.. And she was depending on them to pray with her during this new season as well....
I, too, was blessed to have many many people standing with us in prayer.
In the stress of waiting.
In the bliss of getting a referral.
And in loss.
I had to ask myself, "Could I have made it without those prayers?"
I don't know that we could have... but I don't know that we couldn't have either...What I DO know? Is that we were covered in supernatural peace in the days after losing our referral.  And that peace allowed us to move into healing much faster than I ever thought I'd be able to....

So, I guess the real question isn't whether or not I could have made it without those prayers but rather...would I want to?

And I know the answer to that one.

But transparency? makes you vulnerable.... oh so vulnerable.

And while I have always tried to be Real with ya'll...

I can't begin to tell you the fear that creeps up inside of me when I think about the 'what ifs'.

What if we lose another referral after several months of joy and excitement?

What if we have to tell the world about it while the wound is still fresh?

What if people don't realize how hurtful their questions and comments might be to someone who is in the middle of grief (and let's be honest--a little anger) and just needs to heal first?

and in the midst of all those what ifs, God gives me a few more to consider...

What if you see the power of prayer because you let people in?

What if your community is able to be My tangible presence in your life in the the celebrating..and in the sorrow?

What if you don't have anyone there to hold you up when you need it most because you were too afraid?

Me:  Okay, God....Those are decent points, I suppose. But what about all the added pain and anger because of thoughtless questions and comments about our loss?

God: What about the added peace? The healing? The letters and calls from people telling you they were praying? That their hearts were broken with yours? That they loved you? 

God (again): What about Community?

I have friends who have shared on more than one occasion how blessed they are to be able to be part of our journey.

But the Real truth is? It's US who have been so blessed.

And as selfish as it might be to build up walls and share very little with those who have prayed for and championed us on this journey?

It would be even more selfish to assume we didn't need them in the first place....

It won't always be easy this time... Joy mixed with apprehension never is.....

But I know better than anyone how important it is to have a village you belong to...

And we belong to a heckuva good one, too..

And regardless of what this next season brings us, I know that I don't want to walk it out without my village by my side...


Randee said...

I admire that you wrestled through this and are daring to trust your "village" and plan to be put yourself out there and be vulnerable. I would not have blamed you either way (I understand the struggle) but it seems this is the way the Lord is leading you, and I'm happy that you will choose trust. Thankful to you have as an important part of my village as well!

Ashley said...

My husband and I have had that exact conversation during our years of trying to become parents. I have always had the mindset of the more people that know- the more people that are praying us through it.
I'm cheering you on and praying you through whatever happens! I can't wait to see what God is doing in your life!

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