Dear Self.

Dear Ashley from two years ago,

I know you're overwhelmed with the paperwork. I know it seems like this is the hardest part of this journey and that so many times you think to yourself, "everything will all be better once we are through the paperwork". 

Looking back at how consumed you were with the details of the paperwork.

Every fear that some item wouldn't be done correctly.

Every doubt that they would disagree with you that you could be a fit mother...

Well? There is just no way we could have told you what was to come.

I mean...Even if we COULD? We wouldn't.

Because, I know you Ashley. You wouldn't have gone through with it. You would have evaluated the risk? the pain? the uncertainty? and turned around and walked away.

You would have thought that you didn't have the Grace for something like this.

And I just couldn't let that happen. Because if you had walked away? You would have never seen her face. You would have never spent countless hours pouring over photos and trying to pinpoint aspects of her personality. You would have never prayed for her destiny. 

And for whatever reason? She needed you in that season. She needed those prayers. She needed that love. And she deserved to be sought after with the fervor that you would pursue her with.

And, in the end, she deserved to get her Happy Ending, even if it wasn't yours. 

And that? would have been too hard to explain to you then.

I wouldn't tell you about how two years later, I smirk at how overwhelmed you seemed in that season. I wouldn't tell you to hold on, because this ride is going to get much crazier before it gets any better.

I wouldn't have told you that two years later this journey would be far from over...or about the tears you would cry as you begged God to move mountains for you. To do anything for you.

What I WOULD tell you? Is that God is faithful.  That He HAS placed you in this journey...this awful, heart-wrenching, anxiety-driving journey....and He will fulfill His promises to you.  He hasn't left you in the throngs of paperwork...and He won't leave you in the trenches later either. 

That even two years later, after everything, that you believe that wholeheartedly.

I would tell you that the greatest lessons you would learn would be in Humility, Patience, and Pursuit.

And that they wouldn't always come easy, but they would ALWAYS be worth it.

I would ask that you tell yourself in two years to allow joy to swallow fear and apprehension.

I would ask you to be strong in the process, even in the most difficult parts.

And to remind yourself that this journey isn't about you. That the reality is? It was never about you.

I would ask you to take deep breaths when uncertainty starts creeping in. To give yourself wholeheartedly to any child that God brings before you, no matter how scary it is. And I would ask you to Trust Him to come through for your good, no matter what.

Because He Loves you.

Oh, and  here are the winning Lotto numbers...

Love,

Me (in 2011)