A Pretty Doggone Selfish Post (You've all been fairly warned)

Today This week....has been tough.

I have been filled with the return of the emotions I felt right after we lost our referral.

Frustration.

Worry.

Sadness.

Anger

I can't tell you how many times people try to tell you that "it will all be worth it" and that "God has a great plan" when you are going through the valley.

Those words are true. Most certainly.

But? They don't help.

They don't ease the pain of watching families swoop through the process in much less time than you.

They don't reconcile the fear in your heart that something will happen before you ever get to bring your sweet love home.

They don't make the pain and sorrow easier.

They don't reopen doors that slam shut in your face.

And I know the heart behind those words. People are doing the only thing they know to try to bring you some sense of hope.

Those words don't make me angry (well, not today anyways).

But they don't make my journey any smoother either.

They don't magically make the system get "paperwork" done so that I can see my child's beautiful eyes and beg others for small glimpses into his/her personality and stare for hours on end at pictures, memorizing every line...every feature...every thing I can.

They don't fill the empty places.

Sorry. They just don't.

And, while I haven't been here in a while...I can't help but feel angry at the whole situation.  Not only in my own selfishness, but for others too.... 

I have friends staring into doors that have slammed shut in their faces.

Friends that have been fighting in the wilderness of IA to bring their children home. For a long. long. time.

Friends who will be the most amazing parents.

And truthfully? nothing about this is fair.

I shouldn't be waiting for a referral right now.

Friends shouldn't have to be praying for direction.

And it really doesn't matter how many "God has a plan" statements people make...It still isn't fair.

Just like it wasn't fair when Job lost everything.

And, it wasn't fair when Tamar was sent away from Judah's family.

And, it wasn't fair when David had to hide in the caves.

And, it wasn't fair when John got beheaded.

And it really Really wasn't fair when Jesus was dangling on that cross.

But in all those stories? In all those lives?

God was still the God of Redemption.

And I am looking forward to that day in our stories too.....

I look forward to the day we look back and think, "What's a little black paint in the big scheme of things? Look at how beautiful this mural turned out!"

I look forward to the day when this is all a distant memory drowned out by the laughter filling our homes.

I look forward to the joy of what will come.

But that doesn't make today any easier.