I mean, I cry reading blogs pretty frequently..Just? Not the ones that document kiddos milestones at X age.
But today? I had a weird feeling.....
I have pictures of Cupcake
I have prepared myself for dealing with Sweet Girl's losses and helping her to walk through that grief...but as her mother..I hadn't really considered my own.
You see? She already walks.... She already talks.... She already eats on her own....She already smiles (although this has yet to be documented on camera).
And...I am so unexplainably thankful to God for entrusting her to us...
but I can't help but feel a sense of loss for not getting to be there when she first picked up her chubby body and took steps
(This is totally fabricated based on my imagination...My girl is really skinny)
Or wondering what her first words were....
I am confident that she first smiled at her Enat...and I can happily give that one away because her Enat loved her as much....but the others? Probably happened in an orphanage. A loving, caring orphanage I am sure.....
But it's the not same as having her mommy cheer for her and run for the camera before she plumets back to the ground when taking those first steps...
Or having mommy and daddy argue over whether or not baby gibberish might be some rendition of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious convincing us of her future as either a scientist or a broadway actress
(either would be acceptable of course)...
And, I don't know really where these emotions came from. I haven't felt them before and honestly? I haven't felt anything but love and gratitude for the opportunity to be her mommy. I feel an inexplicable connection with her Enat and first family...and overall I am walking in constant thanksgiving for our Sweet Girl.
I guess today? I just realized that--with all I will get to be there for----there are some things I just missed.
And that just made me a little sad...
1 comments:
I've known this feeling quite a few times, and I've struggled with reconciling it in my heart. For me, I think of all I have already and will miss with our little guy whenever I'm around my family and little nephews and nieces. I see how they grow, what they doing and think of how much a child learns every single month of their life. It's sobering to me, and while it does highlight my own loss, it also helps me remember my future child's loss too. The loss of his birth family, and the loss of spending his life in an environment of consistent trust and focused attention. Sheesh, now I'm emotional too!
Randee
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