It's Here!

This is the week....

In less than 5 days, we will be on a plane to Ethiopia to meet our sweet Marvel.

For some reason, I can't seem to shake the fear that something could still go wrong. 

No one has given me any indication that would warrant my fear, but it's still there...in the back of my mind...

Whispering to me that if I let myself dive into the deep end of excitement?  

I could easily drown there.

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I can't adequately describe what that little boy's smile does to me....It melts me into a puddle of goo and I get lost in dreamland staring at his face, wondering about how it will feel to snuggle up with him and give eskimo kisses and watch him play sports probably soccer..football =)

I've discovered it's impossible to securely guard your heart from that kind of emotion...and as much as it pains me to realize that I haven't done a very good job, I can't help but wonder if God intended it this way?

I mean, Love? Loss? Grief? Healing?  Aren't those written into the very framework of our faith?

Aren't we closer to Jesus because we know these things?

Aren't we better able to be His hands and feet to the hurting because we've walked these paths?

They aren't easy.
No one with half a brain would try to suggest they are.

But, having been down this road before, I can wholeheartedly say that God carried me in the times when I was certain I couldn't take another step.

And I have every confident that He's going to carry me this time too.

No matter what awaits us...

Of course...we're praying This is what awaits us.

This is the "Robot Pillow" I sent with a family recently.
My heart stopped when I saw the joy it brought him!

Letters to My Child: To My Son

Wirtten February 28, 2012

My son,

There are so many things I want for you when I look into your eyes. I imagine great happiness and joy exuding from you. The man of character and integrity that God has ordained you to be. The choices you will make, good and bad, and the wisdom to know the difference and learn from your mistakes.

I think of your life full of opportunity and promise...and I am taken back to the fears that come with raising a son...and even moreso raising an African Ethiopian American son. There are stigmas I can't erase. There are hurts I can't protect you from. There are generalizations that I can't keep people from making.

I hate that. I want the world for you. I look into your big brown eyes, just glowing...and I want everything to be perfect in your life.

But I know I can't give you that.

I will do everything I can to raise you to be a strong man of God. A man with character to stand up to injustices and integrity in the face of adversity. A man  who's confidence isn't shaken by racial inequalities and racist remarks. A man who turns to his Father in the face of trials and leans on His Wisdom before acting.

A man who fulfills the destiny that God laid out for him while he was still in his mother's womb. A man who, despite all odds, perseveres and stands with his head held proud.

No matter what the world may say...I am SO PROUD to be your momma. When I look into your eyes, I know I am not worthy and I am honored that God chose me.  I will do my very best to fulfill my own destiny in raising you to fulfill yours.

You are my beautiful baby boy. I love you more than words.

Love,

Momma

February 23, 2012

Written February 24, 2012

No matter what other dates become important in this journey.

Birthdays.

Adoption Days.

Saturdays. ;-)

February 23, 2012 will always be a day that causes me to pause and soak in all that God has done.

Because on Monday, February 23, 2012? I met my son.

We had known since Monday that our caseworker wanted to have a phone meeting with us. There were several *smiley faces* in the email. More than what might be considered 'appropriate', said the Husband.

We knew.

Thursday, February 23, 2012 was the day we would see our child's face and begin the process of bringing him home to us.

I had everything ready this time. Camera? check.   Cherry Coke Zero to celebrate? check.  Leave the office in plenty of time to avoid cursing every other driver on the road? check.

But still, as my phone started buzzing with the influx of emails that get sent in preparation of said phone meeting, I started shaking in anticipation.

What was our child like?

How old?

Boy? Girl?

I arrived and quickly set up the laptop and there it was.

The cover letter for our meeting.

Male.  Age 4-6.  "M" who's blog-name will be "Marvel"

A Son.

I was thrilled as thoughts of robot fabric and legos and football began rushing through my mind.

And terrified as I realized that boys stop needing wanting their mommas as they get older and traverse the path into manhood.

And even in the midst of joy? I was so sad to realize that my baby might already be past the point of needing his momma all the time.

Of course, as the week progressed, I was blessed to have several friends (mommas of boys) quickly squelch my fears by assuring me that all their boys were quite the "mommas boys" we all desire our sons to be.

Don't get me wrong. I want Marvel to grow up with integrity and character. To be the man of God that he was designed to be. To be a faithful and loving husband and father someday. To teach his family to love God and stand up against injustices.

I do.

But I also want him to live with me forever.

It's a strange paradox.

Needless to say, despite all my fears of having to make the Husband force my son to "Call his mother" from college..I was smitten...

Big eyes.

Big kissable lips. (At least until he starts wiping my kisses away)

The word from the orphanage and other families who have traveled is that Marvel is sweet and shy. Not as rough as the other boys are together but loves to be with them. One family even mentioned him cuddling up with them (be still my heart).

We are anxious to move forward in this process. Anxious to meet our sweet boy and tell him how much we love him and how long we've waited to meet him. Anxious to bring him home into His forever family.

Please pray for us as we wait for a court date and the final birthparent interview that preceeds that.

We are on pins and needles...

And it all truly began on February 23, 2012. Marked forever and kept safe in a special compartment in my heart reserved only for my son.

February 23, 2012

Announcement!

We are SO EXCITED to announce that we are going to be extending

our family this summer with the most adorable 4-5 year old little boy!! 

He is amazingly beautiful and sweet and we couldn't be more excited

 and proud to be his family! We will travel in three SHORT weeks for 

court and to meet our sweet guy and look forward to being able to 

share his unstoppable smile with everyone soon!!!

40 Days. Part II

Update: During 40 Days Part I (which actually ends on February 24) we have given over 650 items that we already had. Already. Owned. Folks.  Add to that the 100 burgers handed out to the homeless downtown and we hit about 750.

Imagine what freedom we would have if our things stopped meaning so much to us?

Imagine where our time/money/resources could be spent if we weren't concerned with how much we had?

It's powerful stuff, friends.

Like, completely interrupt your life powerful....


I am so excited to see what happens in Part II


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Respite: res·pite/ˈrespət/:  An interruption in the intensity or amount of something; 
A pause for relaxation.


To Pause.


It's the cause of one of the greatest clashes between culture and faith.


Our ability to stop.  And listen.


To be still.


To give ourselves over to the pause.


The Sacred Pause.


As I allowed my eyes to be opened and I stared at my own reflection, I was appalled at how rarely I pause.


Are we really so important and busy that God must work around our schedules?


Are we truly a culture that says to God, "We'll pencil you in"?


I don't want to be that person.


But I am.


I don't want to see that in my own reflection.


But I do.


As I spend this season asking God to reveal to me His heart, I have been broken by the fact that He's been waiting  for me to stop.  and listen.


It crushes me to think I have done that to the One who is most dear to me. Ignored my King?...


So for 40 days [February 29- April 8], I will practice The Seven Sacred Pauses.


"Honoring "the hours" through conscious pausing for prayer at specific times of the day. When I speak of the hours I am referring to those times of the day that the earth's turning offers us: midnight, dawn, midmorning, noon, midafternoon, evening and night. Although every hour is sacred, these special times have been hallowed by centuries of devotion and prayer...It is possible to develop a kindred spirit with these rich historical hours that does not require praying specific texts or going to a specific place for prayer. Each hour has its own unique mood and special grace. You can learn to enter into the spirit of the hour wherever you are. No matter what you are doing, you can pause to touch the grace of the hour."  - Macrina Weiderkehr


In addition to taking pause throughout the day, I have decided to also fast those things that have kept me too "busy" for time with my Father (Facebook, Blogging, Pinterest).


Because more than anything I want to live in communion with God.  And I know that in order to do that, I have to stop.


And actually listen to the heart of my Father.


40 Days.


No Social Networking.


No Blogging.


No Pinterest-ing. (?)


Replaced with:


Pausing.


Praying.


Listening.


On Purpose, this 40 Day fast ends on Easter.  


I chose to place this season of asking to see God's love in a new way in the same season in which we acknowledge that it was that very thing that held him on the cross.

For me.

Father, may my time be spend more wisely as I devour Your will and purge myself of the "needs" this world has convinced me I have.  Open my eyes that I might see the areas You want access to. As I practice the seven sacred pauses, I cry out for Your spirit to be ever present with me. As I stop and listen, I pray that I hear You more clearly than ever before.

Renew me, my beloved.