In My Own Words...

Completely Random.

2012-01-30T16:27:00.000-06:00

I have been notified that I haven't blogged in some time.

But I am still in the valley of "nothing nice to say".

So, instead, I will succumb to the pressure and fill in the "random things you never thought you needed to know" blanks about my life! =)

Special shout-out to Erica for tagging me!

11 Random Facts about Me:

1. I hate feet. All feet. I don't like touching them, talking about them, looking at them. They simply gross me out. In fact..even writing this made me gag a little..... So, there you have it.

2. I have an E-X-T-R-E-M-E sweet tooth. I could eat my weight in Jelly Bellys. I will always choose candy or ice cream over those annoying nutrients.

3. I can rap the books of the Bible. I annually pull this one out at youth camp, much to the chagrin of all the campers. That'll teach you to steal my megaphone suckas. Here listen to me rap the Bible, circa 1993, Baaybeee!

4. I can also sing all the states and capitals. I learned this my Jr. year of high school in U.S. History (shout-out Mrs M!) and never forgot them. Oh, yes..I can. ;-)

5. I am [slightly] competitive. There may-- or may not-- have been an incident where a young child was pushed down in a competitve game at a youth camp where I was a team leader. But there was no proof and I was later exonerated.

6. We are serious Football people in this house. Anytime someone mentions a son of mine playing any sport besides football, I get this weird taste in my mouth and The Husband starts tearing up a little. It's that serious.   And more specifically, we are Razorback Football fans. Generally we don't watch much pro-ball (except in the rare occassion that we watch to see a Hogs Alum doing well) but we do love our Hogs!

7. Turquoise is my favorite color...but if you asked me face to face, I might waffle around a bit. Sometimes I think Kelly Green is my favorite. But it's not.

8. I love costume earrings. I wear earrings with everything and the longer, the better. This started when I worked at a retail store in college. I walked in (t-shirt and jeans) to a store full of classy gals, who quickly took me under their wings and forced me to pluck my eyebrows, wear make-up and "forcryingoutloud put on pants that you don't have to cinch up at the waist!" It was almost exactly like a Lifetime special I once saw....

9.   I will do ANYTHING to avoid housework. I have even considered getting a second-job to pay someone to come do it for me. Some people love it. And I totally see why, I too love a clean house...I just don't like having to be the one that cleans it. Especially dishes and laundry. Every year for my birthday I ask for money to do the fluff and fold service to catch up on all my dirty laundry. That is the only time each year when I am completely caught up.

I'm okay with that.

10.   I am really frugal with money. We buy almost everything second-hand and upcycle anywhere possible. And apparently there has even been talk of interventions...usually after friends come to visit me and when planning our time together the words "hit up all the Goodwill locations" come up. =)

11. I read alot. Many times late late into the evening and (if a book is good enough) early morning hours too. I am especially a big fan of Ted Dekker and Jodi Picoult.

Now to answer Erica's questions:
[Disclaimer: Since most of my friends have already done this, I am forgoing to send it on. I know, I know..It goes against the very fabric of the system. but I'm grown. I can do what I want. =) ]

1. If there was one place you could travel to, what would it be? Right now?? Africa. Specifically Ethiopia. And Definitely with a photo album full of the newest love of my life. But outside of that? Israel. I have always wanted to (and will someday) do a Holy Land tour...and maybe even follow Paul's journeys through Rome... Wouldn't that be so cool?

2. Name 3 things from your "bucket list".
1. Learn Italian (heh)
~~2. Go to the Oprah show~~ (null and void now)
3. Go Skydiving
4. Visit every continent

3. If you were stranded on a desert island, what 5 items would you want to have with you?
1. ~~An airplane with enough fuel to get home...I kid, I kid....~~
1. My Kindle (stocked with enough books to last a while...and maybe Rosetta Stone for Italian {see above})
2. That Guy from Man vs. Wild..you know, the one that teaches you how to hydrate with your own urine?
3.  A gun (because Lord knows if I have to whittle a weapon to kill my food, I will most certainly starve to death)
4.   ~~Is it wrong to want all the people I love to have to be stranded on a desert island with me? It is, probably....Scratch that~~. Sunscreen.
5. A radio device to call for help.

4. If you could have a housekeeper, a personal chef, or a personal trainer, which would you choose?
Housekeeper for sure. 100 million%.

5. What was your favorite Christmas gift you received this year?
A tablet from my husband. He gave it to me early when we thought we'd be traveling halfway around the world but it's really turned out to be way more awesome than I thought it would!

6. What is your favorite book?
Oooh....Just one? Cancelling out all book sets and such, I would have to say "Choosing to See" by Marybeth Chapman. I seriously sobbed through the whole thing.

7. What would your dream job be?
I don't know exactly what it would look like, but I know it would be changing the world for the Kingdom in whatever capacity I could.

8. What is one thing in your life that you regret?
I regret times in my life when my own insecurity caused me to want more to "blend in" than stand up for people...or principles. I regret thinking that who people thought I was at 17 was the most important thing in life and letting it cause me to say/do the wrong thing. I regret that it took me so long to be comfortable with who I am and that because of that people got hurt.

9. What is the farthest place you've ever traveled to?
Brazzaville Congo.

10. Who is your favorite famous person?
Ronald Reagan

11. What is your #1 beauty secret/tip?
Coconut Oil. It will change your life.

So, there it is. Everything you never thought you even wanted to know.. Just taking up valuable space in your memory now. You're welcome.

Happy Monday Friends.....

Waiting Is Hard.

2012-01-19T12:06:00.000-06:00

Today has been hard.

Waiting is always hard. But for some reason, Today? I really feel it.

I have friends who think we've had it worse...getting a referral, losing that referral and of course, rejoining the waiting masses.

I can't help but think they have it worse. Waiting with no respite?

At least I had a season of joy and bliss in the midst of all this hardship... I have friends that are 12-18 months in waiting. Hanging on to whatever threads of hope they can. No experiencing the bliss of that day when your phone finally rings that special ringtone you have set aside for your case manager. No vacation from the anxiety and frustration.

That seems so much harder to me.

But regardless of the scenario....Waiting is hard for everyone.

Watching the days pass by without that magical call?

Doing the math? "Well if we get a referral in Jan., we might get court in April, which means we might get Embassy in June"

Re-evaluating your brillant math with each passing day?

Week?

Month?

Watching and rejoicing with friends as they move through the process, all the while secretly envious that you are still in the deep recesses of waiting and they are floating on cloud nine?

No, it's impossible to try to identify if one person's waiting is easier...or harder...And it simply doesn't matter.

Waiting is just hard.

Period.

40 Days. Part I

2012-01-17T23:30:00.000-06:00

It's late. I just finished reading the last morsels of Seven.

I knew this would happen. In fact? I craved it.

The challenge to examine what I have. How much I could truly give.

Who I really am.

Each month gripped me. Where do I really stand?

What do I really believe?

What am I really willing to sacrifice?

And first, it was the possessions.

We. have. so. much.

And right here, in my very community, there are people struggling to stay warm in the bitter winters. starving. barely hanging on.

Who am I to amass all of this and watch His children perish by the wayside?

Can I ignore the plight of those who are able to steal the heart of God all the while patting myself on the back for what a good job I've done securing the American Dream?

It made me truly sick.

Who am I that I would elevate my existence above any other?

One thing I am certain of. The pride of man, dripping off of our wealth and possessions, grieves the heart of the One who created us.

And I am broken by the reflection in the mirror.

I am the problem.

So for 40 days, I am purging myself.
It's merely a grain of sand in what God wants to do. but it's a start.

The focus? On giving possessions.

Clothing.

Jewelry.

Books. (my heart. stops.)

Houseware.

Stuff.

For 40 Days, I will examine every crevice of waste, abuse, negligence, self-indulgence, materialism.

I will change the way my family does things. I will no longer remain trapped in this hamster wheel that defines success by what we have. I will look at my brothers and sisters and give whatever possible to meet whatever needs I can.

What does love look like? It has the hands to help others. It has the feet to hasten to the poor and needy. It has eyes to see misery and want. It has the ears to hear the sighs and sorrows of men. That is what love looks like.

Saint Augustine

So in the next 40 days, I am believing for the chance to give away 1000 possessions. My prayer is that my eyes would be opened to the various opportunities to give and that I would make haste to meet the needs I see.

I may not be able to change everything.

But I can change something.

"My Children Are Hungry". (My Conversation with God) Part II

2012-01-13T10:26:00.002-06:00

Read Part 1 Here.

I'm pulled over on the side of the road...so that the driving doesn't interfere with my arguments with God. Of course.

Me:   "God, I can't possibly drive around all day on the off-chance that I might find someone to give this food to?! Surely that's not what you intend??"

God: "Daughter, Do you know what the future holds?"

Me: "I don't know. Maybe?"

God: "You don't."

Me:   "Oh."

So I drove. First heading towards downtown and then feeling the urge to turn around and return to the area I first started. Driving past the intersection that started this whole snowball of a morning and towards a more industrial area. And then I saw him!!

Now, trying not to get too excited (this man might have just been walking from point A to point B and not been hungry at all) I played it very cool...I first drove past him, felt confident he was who I was searching for, then turned around, caught back up to him and rolled down the window.

Not only was he surprised to be handed a hot meal and hot coffee, but I didn't leave without mentioning that God loved him enough to send me searching for him....Because God knew he was hungry.

Gratitude. The air was filled with it.

Him for my obedience.

Me for God's patience.

I pulled away (back towards that infamous intersection. Again.) and lo' and behold, there was another man walking. I was more confident this time...He wore a pack on his back (probably everything he owns) and walked with a faithful four-legged companion.

Once again I pulled up and rolled down the window. "Sir? It's awfully cold out, would you like a hot meal? Maybe some coffee?" He proceeded to tell me that he shares everything with his companion and that both of them were starving today.

Hungry.

God knew. God looked down from Heaven and saw two of His most precious children that were hungry and sent me on a mission to meet a need. A need that no doubt would present itself again later that day, but for now, they were full. They were warming up. They were loved.

I returned to my original mission. Heading towards a supermarket to pick up supplies for an event later that day. As I pulled into the parking lot, I saw another man standing with a sign "Hungry. Anything Helps".

Hungry.

God spoke to me again. "My children are hungry".

Without arguing. Without waiting for an official prompt. I turned around.

Back to the fast food drive-through.

Same meal. Same coffee. Same change.

And I took it to the man who was hungry. I offered him a genuine smile as I told him that God had sent me to give him something to eat. I watched as gratitude once again filled someone's eyes. At my obedience? It didn't feel worthy. I hadn't done much. I hadn't done enough.

I pulled into a parking spot and with tears in my eyes and my head against the steering wheel, I began pleading with God.

Me: "God, there are too many hungry people. Everywhere I look...All I see are people that are hungry. People that are cold. People that are in need. I can't help them all...."

God: "You won't be able to feed all my hungry children"

Me:   (frustrated that--so far--nothing in this conversation was making me feel better) "I know, God! That's what I am trying to tell you! Everywhere I look, I see hunger. It's too much!"

God: "You wanted to see?"

Me: "Well, yeah..."

God: "You may not be able to feed every hungry person. But you can feed the ones you see"
**********
I had asked to see something new. I wanted something different. But in my selfish nature, I wanted something with God that made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

And instead? He took my blindness and He made me see.

Brokenness.

Loss.

Humiliation.

Hunger.

I didn't see men that were "taking from the system" (by the way, that has never been my belief, but it is one that people often use as a reason not to help others). I didn't see men that were choosing a life of standing in the cold. in the rain. hungry. Simply to avoid "getting a job". I didn't see expectation in their eyes as I handed them those bags.

I saw God's favorite ones. I saw the ones that He dangled on a cross for. I saw the ones that could capture His heart with a simple glance of their eyes. I saw the ones that He would move Heaven and Earth for to simply bring them a hot meal on a cold day.

I saw His children. The ones He loved more than life itself.

Literally.

And I knew? I would never be the same. I could no longer drive by when God had given me vision to see. I could no longer ignore when God had opened my heart and broke it into a million pieces. I could no longer make excuses for myself when the people He loves most were suffering-- barely hanging on...and I had. so. much.

I was no longer blind.

And now that I could see? I was responsible to act.

I wanted to feel good about what I did. I wanted that preverbial "pat on the back" for my generosity. But instead I was broken. I was overwhelmed by the need.

I was changed.

"My Children Are Hungry" (My Conversation with God) Part I.

2012-01-12T11:30:00.001-06:00

It was a Tuesday and I was travelling for work. Driving the same route I often did. Stopping at the same places I often stop. Ignoring the same things I often ignore. Except, today? I wasn't ignoring them. There were two travellers that were standing off to the side of the exit ramp where I was sitting at a stoplight. And I couldn't ignore how cold it was outside. And raining. Or, how tired and hungry they looked. Hungry. And then God spoke to me.

**********
I should probably back up a little here... Over the course of this month, I have been praying for God to show me something new. Something I hadn't noticed before. I was desperate to get back to that place of communion with God where everything I did was surrounded by the certainty that God was guiding my steps.. Now, don't misunderstand me..Of course that's what I want all the time. But with successes? with failures? with open doors? and others that get shut? It can be easy sometimes to forget about the spiritual realm and instead put the weight and glory of it all on your own shoulders.

Or at least it can for me.

**********
So back to the story....

God spoke to me. "My children are hungry"

'I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.’“Then the righteous will answer him, ‘Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?’ “The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:36-40

Me: "But God, I don't have anything but a small orange"

God: "Then go get something"

Me: "But God, I don't have any money"

God: "Really? What about the money that arrived last night?"

Me: "Oh..... my Christmas money?? But God? I was going to use that money to buy one of those awesome hats made in Uganda? You know....empowering the people! (as I made a fist and thrust it towards the sky, sure God would want me to spend my money on such a good cause...and such a cute hat)"

God: "But today? My people are hungry."

Me: "Oh...Okay, God. I'll go get them something to eat"

I want to make a note of something that I am not proud of here...I really do argue with God like this.

I wish I recognized the direction of God and never had my own ideas of He means...but that's not reality. I am thankful for a God full of mercy and grace who looks past how slow I can pick up on things and chooses to use me despite my flaws.

So I drove over to the nearest fast food chain and bought nicer meals than I ever even get myself! (Thanks to the prompting of the Lord) and as I am waiting to pay, God starts talking to me again.

God: "Give them the change"   (Of course, the change worked out perfect for each bag to have $2.   Of course.)

Me:   (Still thinking my plan is better) "God, we don't give cash because we don't know what it gets used for"
(I am quite ashamed by how smug and self-righteous these words sound)

God: "I am not asking you to determine what the gift will get used for. I am telling you to give it anyways."

Me:  (head hanging, ashamed of my own pride)   "Yes, Lord."

So I drive away. Two bags filled with bacon deluxe burgers, large fries, extra napkins, ketchup, cream and sugars and $2 each. And two large coffees sitting in my console.

I was all ready to obey God fully.

And I got to the corner where the two gentlemen had been standing to find them....

Gone.

Gone?! Really God? As the delicious smells of bacon, greasy fries, and coffees start making me dizzy, I feel the need to remind God that I am fasting.

"Umm hi, God? What do you expect me to do with all this now?? I'm sure I don't need to tell you this, but I am in the middle of fasting all these deliciously amazing foods!"

God: "They are not my only hungry children today"

Me:   "Are you really asking me to go looking for hungry people??"

God:   "Yes. I am."

To Be Continued.....

Read Part II Here

Pay it Forward...

2012-01-08T19:24:00.000-06:00

On Facebook, I am participating in a fun Pay-it-forward-ish event this year. Making 5 handmade items for the first 5 people to comment on that status and making sure it got delivered before the end of 2012.

The catch *of course* being that each person who commented then had to subsequently re-post it as their status and make 5 handmade items for the first 5 people to comment on THEIR post.

Whew.....did you catch all that?

Anyways, I thought it might be fun to double it up (yes that is 10 items I now have to make) by also making something for the first 5 people to comment on this blog post.

Of course, the same rules apply though....you must then re-post and commit to making 5 handmade gifts for the first people to comment on your own blog post. Aaaand, if you caught me on Facebook...you don't get two gifts =) But feel free to blog your own pay it forward campaign anyways!!

It's so much fun to make handmade stuff. I get great joy out of surprising friends with gifts...and whether or not I could "make something myself" it's a lot of fun to have my own surprise gifts every now and then, too =)

This is simply about spreading joy and friendship this year! LOVE THAT!

So here it goes:

Pay it forward in 2012 - I am going to make something handmade for the first five people who comment on this post. (You must in turn post this and make something for the first five who comment on your blog.) *The rules are it must be handmade by you, and your friends must receive it before 2012 ends!!*

Let the fun begin!! (again)

7.

2012-01-07T18:25:00.002-06:00

I am knee-deep in Seven these days.

I have written half a dozen blog posts about it that I ~~may never~~ haven't posted yet.

I am feeling it....

Like feeeeeeeling it.

Maybe because I am past the horrific headache/caffeine withdrawal phase of This.

But seriously folks.

This book is changing my life. Here is ~~my new BFF~~ Jen Hatmaker's recent post about it.

It's seriously good stuff....

Good like the million deserts and finger foods I had to abstain from at a watch party last night.

Good like watching the Hogs dominate over some little Kansas kitty-cats (sorry anyone out there rooting for the wrong team) in the Cotton Bowl.

Good like guessing the score would be 17-28 and watching the game end with the score at 16-29.

Good like knowing it was divine intervention that got your guess that close.

Seriously. Good. Stuff.

5 Things On My Mind

2012-01-06T12:29:00.000-06:00

1. Affection. People will tell you that I am not a touchy-feely kind of gal. I don't randomly hug people (unless urged by the Holy Spirit), touch has never been my love language...It's just not who I am. I don't like people to comfort me by touching me and hugging me and rubbing my back. I would rather be given the autonomy to keep my composure.

Sure it sounds incredibly callis. But it is who I am.

Unless.

Unless, we're talking about kids. Then I become the blob of love and hugs and holding hands and rubbing backs. I love how much my friend Mrs. Clover's kiddos love me (and they rarely see me so I can only imagine how much they love people they can actually recognize!). I asked Meshack (not his real name) one day if he would let me hold him when he got bigger. He said "of course". Well..what about when your 12? Oh...umm, no, not when I'm 12. Oh, okay I guess...what about when you're 11? Yah, sure, you can hold me when I'm 11.

I was holding him on my side and he was resting his head on my shoulder.

I am certain that he won't let me hold him like that when he's eleven.

But I like that he lets me hold him like that when he's four.

Little Smith might be four.

I don't want to miss out on the affectionate, "hold-me" phase of childhood.

I will most certainly want to hold Little Smith when he/she is 11. But LS probably won't let me.

So it's nice to know that LS might let me at four.

2. It's only been warm enough to paint on days I am at work...except for last weekend when I didn't get out of my pajamas and pretended it was too cold so that I could lay on the couch and watch mindless hours of ~~star trek~~ tv instead.

I have a big project I want to finish so that I can show it off for everyone to "ooh" and "aahh" over.

But it needs paint.

Which I can't do this weekend because apparently it's going to be remotely like winter?
What?!? In January!?!

Ok, I concede. I will be far less nervous about Global Warming when it snows.

But I also need to paint.

So torn....

3. The HOGS are playing in the Cotton Bowl tonight. Woooooo Pig Sooooiiieeee!

4. TOMS still isn't offering brown wedges anymore. Has the world gone mad and revolted against simple brown? Am I living in some twilight world where brown wedges don't exist?

It's getting ridiculous. I get on the website everyday in hopes that they will bring back the camel wedges I desperately wanted pre-Christmas, thus leading me to ask for them for Christmas, only to get money and find the shoes had disappeared.

Not cool Toms. And, why do the wedges all have to be peep-toes? I can't wear them in the winter that way!

Once again, not cool Toms!

5. Moses is quite the character lately. I will leave you with a video made this morning of him enjoying his new ball. We start Puppy School is two weeks. Which is about how long I have before he's big enough to take over my home....

Happy Friday!

A Melange of Moses Moments

2012-01-04T07:57:00.000-06:00

You can't help it......You want to look through them dont'cha?

The little hoodlum is too darn cute to resist.

That's his only saving grace right now.

Moses is about 3 months old now...and about 3ft tall on his hind legs....And all puppy.....

His favorite toys?

A rubber chicken that squeaks constantly....For real. Constantly. Without end. Until I distract him with a treat and remove the unwelcome guest.

Kate Spade shoes...Can I just vent for a minute about this one.... I don't buy nice shoes. Ever. I buy 80% of everything I own second-hand. On purpose. And these shoes magically fell into my hands at a bag sale at one of the local upscale consignment stores. I didn't even KNOW what Kate Spade shoes looked like. Or how sought after they are. So imagine my joy in walking out in my almost-brand-spankin'-new-perfectly-fitting-red-Kate-Spade-heels. These shoes were how we realized he couldn't be trusted and that all shoes have to be at least 3ft off the ground.

Rest in peace, dear sweet, amazing bargain, shoes.... Rest in pease.

His food bowl. And when he gets the urge? He's got the urge. No amount of food or water with withstand his desire to completely destroy the food bowl. It has become his greatest nemesis, making its way into the living room almost every evening where he delights in showing off his recent massacre.

He's a monster.

My sweet wittle wovable monster.

two twelve fifteen?

2012-01-02T18:18:00.000-06:00

I am not really sure how to count our wait.

Technically we had a brief reprieval from ~~the awful dried-up land of~~ waiting.

But since we are no closer to bringing home Little Smith, it doesn't seem like taking those months out of the count is right, either.

I suppose it doesn't really matter.

The fact is we are waiting.

Praying hard that God brings forth His will for our family.

Praying that our child is cared-for, loved, and that no attempts of the enemy to thwart our child's destiny make any headway.

Praying that Little Smith doesn't feel hopelessness, sorrow, or lonliness in this season of waiting.

That somehow Little Smith would know that there are people out there loving him/her with everything they have.

That those people are doing everything possible to get to their child.

That they aren't going to stop until he/she knows the safety, love, and comfort of a family.

That they haven't given up.

And that waiting is really hard for them, too.

Whether it's two months, twelve months, or fifteen months.

My real resolutions and our year in review

2011-12-31T10:47:00.000-06:00

I am really good at goals.

Even better at written goals.

I thrive under the pressure of achieving something new.

Wonderfully Brand new.

It even gives me joy just thinking about making a list of things to achieve this year...

But simply put? I stink at New Year's Resolutions.

I mean, I did okay with last year's goals (completing about 80%).

But after thinking about it, most of those goals remain unchanged even today.

I still need to organize my life better.
And my closets for that matter.

I could stand to hit the gym again (it's been months.....bleh)

I am pretty sure there were some days that The Husband didn't ~~deserve~~ get a kiss goodnight.

We certainly spent too much "quality time" in front of the t.v.
(I think our new romance with the Star Trek series' would be worth its own post if it weren't so comical)

And not enough time in the multi-purpose room, worshipping.

**********
Our year was full of ups and downs.

Things I wish could happen every day for the rest of my life

And others I don't mind burying in the cemetary that is "Years gone by"

But overall, I am thankful for the many lessons learned this year.

For the hours of lonliness spent feeling as though I didn't have a friend in the world.

The sorrow that spurred on more pity parties than I deserved.

The boredom, frustration, and excitement that each had a hand in pushing me forward into new territory.

Because, in the end? It's each of these moments that shape us.

The ones we loved. The ones we loathed.

Regret.

Sadness.

Lonliness.

Joy.

Friendship.

Transparency.

Creativity.

Boldness.

Love.

Alone they each have qualities I love and hate, but woven together? They help me to become exactly who God intended me to be.

A sinner --full of mistakes and letdowns and regret--- saved by grace. Called into a bigger destiny than I ever deserved. Asked to walk a road I never would have chosen for myself. And brought deeply into the comforting embrace of my Father over and over again.

So this year? With all the goals in the world I could choose to pursue?

I resolve to follow whatever path He leads me on.

To run to Him when things suck.

To run to Him when they don't.

And each day to ask what He would have for me. That I wouldn't miss a single moment of the life He has purposed me to live.

Because even when I think my days suck? I know my God is Good.

So. Very. Good.

Happy New Year.

May your 2012 be everything God intends it to be for you!

Why I have said "Yes" to the Daniel's Fast

2011-12-29T13:30:00.004-06:00

I grew up in an environment where fasting was not only a principle taught from the Bible, but was a real foundation into a growing relationship with God.

It was never forced into our doctrine of beliefs as a necessary element to Christianity. In fact, Fasting in a completely voluntary act. While leaders may invite persons to join in a time of corporate prayer and fasting for a specific goal and timeframe, the fact remains that fasting could never be compulsory. It's a personal choice to make in your faith to abstain from anything.

So, while it was always taught as a powerful element in aligning our body, soul, and spirit with our Heavenly Father, we made the choice to practice it as individuals.

There were years in my youth where every Wednesday I would fast sunup-sundown for my generation.

There were seasons of fasting for moves of God in our midst.

And there were times where I felt compelled by the spirit to fast personally to grow in my relationship with my Father.

The Daniel's Fast is one of the latter.

Yes, practicing it at the beginning of a year is most definitely a learned habit. But it's one I have never regretted.

Giving time at the start of a new year to abstain from earthly desires and instead fill those places with prayer and God's word? Has never proven to be worthless.

In fact, it's in the sacrifice of the firstfruits that God seems to pour out even greater blessings and brings renewed vision and revelation in my life.

It's here that I am able to say "God, I love you more than anything in this world" with sacrifice on my lips and truly hear His responses to my heart's cry.

So what does it look like in my life?

First, my disclaimers:

There are so many versions and ideologies and doctrines that dictate how a person fasts or whether a person fasts or how they interpret the Bible or whether they think I am interpreting it wrong.

I don't really care about all that. And honestly? I don't think God does either.

God is concerned with the condition of our hearts so even if we falter in our interpretation of the original Hebrew meanings of specific words used to designate Daniel's actual fasts? That's not nearly as importatant as the reasons why we are pursuing the fast in the first place.

That being said. I was taught and brought up (by spiritual leaders that I still greatly admire, respect, and love...and therefore---follow) that there are three principles that governed the ideas surrounding the creation of the Daniel's Fast.

1. Abstain from meats and pleasant foods
2. Drink only water
3. Fast at least three weeks

In Daniel 1, Daniel asks to be given a diet in line with his Hebrew beliefs (therefore no royal foods or wine) and was given a diet of vegetables and water. At the end of a testing period, Daniel and his men were stronger and in better appearance than any others. God had blessed their decision to abstain from the royal cuisines.

This is where we get the fruits, vegetables, and water piece of what we consider Daniel's Fast.

Later, in Daniel 10, we see the Prophet fasting for three weeks from choice foods, meats and wine. God heard the prayers of Daniel while he was humbled and pure in fasting and prayer and responded with a vision from the Lord.

This is where the abstention from meats and sweets, as well as the timeframe comes from.

Basically for the month of January, as a time of firstfruit sacrifice and as an opportunity to realign my affections to God above all over things, I choose to fast from meats, pleasant foods (sweets), and all drinks besides water.

Here are my personal "differences" in how I approach my fast. I will still eat grains, some cheese, and eggs as part of my diet. There is no Biblical backing for that. It's my personal choice as I know my deficiencies and how terrible I am at consistently taking vitamins.

So there you have it. The reasons I have chosen to say "Yes" to ~~Ringing~~ Fasting in the New Year!

There are many great articles, sites, and books examining the Daniel's Fast and I am more than happy to link a few for you to research. (see below).

I, however, was blessed to be spiritually raised in a house where fasting was a natural element and I choose to follow that which I was brought up under.

As I said before, God cares more about our the condition of our hearts anyways...

So, whether you or not you choose to participate in Daniel's Fast this year, I would ask you to at least examine a fasted lifestyle as part of your faith's foundation. I have found no greater source of clarity and renewed fervor for my Lord than in the seasons where I sense natural hunger pangs and fill them with spiritual food instead!

Final Disclaimer: I am aware of the scripture in Matthew regarding fasting in secret and not boasting. I sincerely hope and pray that this message did not come across as boastful or proud. I prayerfully considered the reasons for writing about this important piece of my faith and I pray it touches someone's heart to the point of at least examining the benefits of living a fasted lifestyle.

**********
“Fasting begets prophets and strengthens strong men. Fasting makes lawgivers wise; it is the soul's

safeguard, the body’s trusted comrade, the armor of the champion, the training of the athlete.”

—Basil, Bishop of Caesarea (AD 330–379)

“Fasting . . . opens the way for the outpouring of the Spirit and the restoration of God’s house. Fasting in this age of the absent Bridegroom is in expectation of His return. Soon there will be the midnight cry, ‘Behold, the bridegroom! Come out to meet him.’ It will be too late then to fast and to pray. The time is now.”

—God's Chosen Fast, Arthur Wallis

http://www.daniel-fast.com/

http://www.ihop.org/resources/files/2011/09/Lifestyle_Fasting_Guidelines_and_Information.pdf

http://www.ultimatedanielfast.com/

5 Things On My Mind: Anyone need a few New Year's Resolutions??

2011-12-29T12:01:00.001-06:00

As people start gathering all the ways they might make their lives better?

As they take all their goals and dreams and compile them into a beautiful list and prepare to ring a new year filled with better choices?

I thought it would only be appropriate for me to offer up a few options that I believe would make our world a better place.

You know, in case you are having trouble coming up with an adequate list....

Here are some items I believe should be on everyone's resolution list this year:

1. Stop dressing animals up as people.

Source

There is something just. so. wrong. about this new fad in our society. Your dog's dignity depends on you being better than this.

I can't think of anything else that needs to be said here.

2. Park straight.

Source

Really? Do you not realize the ripple effect of crazytown you start with this nonsense? Do you even think about the fifty other people who have to look like donkeys because they have to park crazy because YOU parked crazy?

Let's make this a crooked-free 2012, shall we?

3. No More One-Uping.

Source

The reason Kristen Wiig is so funny as Penelope is because we all have someone's face we can imagine when she gets going. People? The one-uping has Got. To. Go. already.

I get it. Every now and then you have a moment you just. must. share. You get carried away and you can't help yourself.

I've been there, too. I have inadvertently one-upped a love one in a moment of impulse.

I'm not proud of it. But I've done it.

But it's not the inadvertent one-ups that really get my goat. It's the people who word-vomit a constant barrage of one-ups, reminding those around them that they are WAY UP HERE and all the rest of us are all way down here.

Consider this your intervention.

Say "No" to one-upping today. Friends, we can start a revolution!

4. Commit to walk properly in public places.

Source

Close your eyes with me for a second, if you will. Now, imagine you are in elementary school. You are walking in a line down the hall to recess....

What does your line look like?

Are you zig-zagging down the hallway? Are you right in the middle? Are you going so slow that people have to dodge you left and right to avoid stepping on your shoes??

NO! You are on the RIGHT side of the hallway. And you are keeping with the flow of traffic.

This should be second nature, folks. We are groomed from childhood to walk properly in public places for crying out loud!

Friends, if we can Get This, I truly believe we can achieve anything. World Peace? A Man on Mars? Nothing will be impossible for us!

Together? Let's resolve to walk at an appropriate pace in public.

Let's agree that zig-zagging and middle-walking is intolerable.

Let's commit to walking on the Right Side of the aisles.

Because We? Are worth it.

5. No More Email Forwards.

Source

Really? Are we really a culture that would give our loved-ones crap? first, the dreaded (and quite unexpected) email crap? and now this new generation of text-crap?

We can do this, friends. We can break the chain.

And, here are the statistics regarding what happens to those who do NOT forward emails (just in case you are gripped by the fear that something tragic will--indeed--happen to you if you fail to subject your family members to ridiculousness)

In the words of FDR, "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself".

Stop hatin' on your family and friends. Learn the power of delete.

We all thank you in advance.

**********
So there you have it. Five opportunities to better our world with your New Year's Resolutions!

Happy New Year. May we all do fewer annoying things this year.

Amen.

A few of my favorite things: Winter edition

2011-12-21T16:28:00.003-06:00

Shout out to all my dry skin, hair, face,and lips peeps out there!!

Hello?

Is this thing on? (*tap* *tap*)

Bueler?

Bueler?

Bueler?

Okay okay. But really, folks. I live by the "don't-wash-your-hair-everyday-and-lotion-up-with-baby-oil-before-bed" principle even in the swealtering heat of Oklahoma summers. So imagine the dryness-ness that encompasses winters 'round here? It's unbearable. Just imagine it....

And for the total effect: Go ahead and also imagine me in one of those sweeet velour sweatsuits. I desperately want one but The Husband started packing my bags the last time I tried to convince him of the versatility of this outfit:

You'll have to forgive the pretty model: For a more realistic depiction, add 10 lbs, take off the make-up and put two-day dirty hair in a ponytail

No amount of begging or research confirming society's general acceptance of these beauts has swayed him.

Alas, I live in old yoga pants and the velour sweat-jacket that I bought to spite him.

What? He said I couldn't get the SUIT. He made no mention of the individual pieces.

***********

Wait. What was I talking about?

Oh yes, favorite winter stuff. So let's get started, shall we?

Source

I love this stuff. That's the awesome thing about preparing to raise a child of a different ethnicity. You really learn a lot about tricks and tips for their hair/skin care that aren't widely practiced habits in your own circle sometimes.

Coconut oil was one of those lightbulb moments! I love this stuff. Primarily, it's recommended as a natural oil for dry, curly hair (see types 3 and 4) but it is also great for adding moisture to skin. And you can cook with it, too. And, while I have been a solid baby-oil-user since my early days of lather and bake..I wanted something a little more organic and natural for Little Smith's skin and hair.

Have I mentioned I love this stuff?

For us peach-skinned fellows, a little will go a l-o-o-o-o-ng way. Use sparingly. You've been warned. I put it on right after a shower to seal in the moisture and water on my skin and, on particularly dry days, I will lather up before bed. You will smell like toasted coconuts and will probably dream you are on a beach somewhere. Just another perk, folks.

It's good for hair, too. But even my dry hair can't have oil just laid into it! Sometimes on freshly washed and dried hair, I will put a tiny little itty bitty bit on the ends, new growth (you know? those hairs that stand straight up) and frizzies. But only sometimes. And make sure you don't have to see anyone important. Just in case you overlooked the "tiny little itty bitty bit" part or thought I was joking.

Because...I am not joking.

Source

I swear by this stuff.

For real ya'll.

It weirdens up my swearing a little but it's totally worth it.

Check out my marketing slogan:

For dry hair? Biolage Conditioning Balm is Da' Balm! (Get it, Bomb? Balm? Ohh...I crack myself up!!!)

I think there are around 752 different ways to use this product because everytime I get my hair done, they try to tell me about a few more ways I can use it different than I already do. But I am only pretending to listen to them and am more interested in reading the smut magazines that I can't bring myself to buy on my own. So I have no idea what to tell you about unique ways to use it. Blame it on US Weekly , if you must.

Or just Google it, people. Geez, get off me!

For me? I just put it on freshly washed, damp hair and use it as a leave-in. Works wonders.

P.S. A Jar this size will last until the cows come home. Which--word on the street-- is a really long time.

Source

Love Caught Me By Surprise. That is the title for the book of poetry I am writing about Aquaphor. You see, I am a pretty solid Champagne-tinted Burt's-Beeswax-lip-balm-kinda-girl. But for harsh winds and dry cracked lips, I L-O-V-E this stuff. Love it enough to write its name in the margins of my notebooks.

Ashley + Aquaphor = Always & 4Ever

It's pretty much diaper rash creme mixed with vaseline for your lips. I use it daily. And nightly. And sometimes 'round noon.

All the time, really. Don't judge me.

Moving on:

Source

This stuff isn't exactly Dry Skin stuff.

Or Winter stuff, for that matter.

It's sort of one of those "necessary to live" things.

I don't know how to describe this stuff without using the words "Sent from Jesus Himself".

I carry it everywhere with me. Except to bed. Because that would just be weird. Too weird.

Basically it's aromatherapy-ish on-the-spot relief for tension, headaches, tiredness and fatigue, whatever.

You take an itty bitty bit and put it on your pressure points (wrists, temples, behind your ears) and breathe in the eucalyptus menthol pepperminty magic.

I don't know what it's doing to me. But I like it.

This is a super tiny bottle but it lasts a LONG time. I just got my second one. Two years after buying my first. =)

So, there ya go. Now, help me out...What are some of your Essentials to help brave the Winter cold??

Dear Self.

2011-12-12T21:35:00.000-06:00

Dear Ashley from two years ago,

I know you're overwhelmed with the paperwork. I know it seems like this is the hardest part of this journey and that so many times you think to yourself, "everything will all be better once we are through the paperwork".

Looking back at how consumed you were with the details of the paperwork.

Every fear that some item wouldn't be done correctly.

Every doubt that they would disagree with you that you could be a fit mother...

Well? There is just no way we could have told you what was to come.

I mean...Even if we COULD? We wouldn't.

Because, I know you Ashley. You wouldn't have gone through with it. You would have evaluated the risk? the pain? the uncertainty? and turned around and walked away.

You would have thought that you didn't have the Grace for something like this.

And I just couldn't let that happen. Because if you had walked away? You would have never seen her face. You would have never spent countless hours pouring over photos and trying to pinpoint aspects of her personality. You would have never prayed for her destiny.

And for whatever reason? She needed you in that season. She needed those prayers. She needed that love. And she deserved to be sought after with the fervor that you would pursue her with.

And, in the end, she deserved to get her Happy Ending, even if it wasn't yours.

And that? would have been too hard to explain to you then.

I wouldn't tell you about how two years later, I smirk at how overwhelmed you seemed in that season. I wouldn't tell you to hold on, because this ride is going to get much crazier before it gets any better.

I wouldn't have told you that two years later this journey would be far from over...or about the tears you would cry as you begged God to move mountains for you. To do anything for you.

What I WOULD tell you? Is that God is faithful. That He HAS placed you in this journey...this awful, heart-wrenching, anxiety-driving journey....and He will fulfill His promises to you. He hasn't left you in the throngs of paperwork...and He won't leave you in the trenches later either.

That even two years later, after everything, that you believe that wholeheartedly.

I would tell you that the greatest lessons you would learn would be in Humility, Patience, and Pursuit.

And that they wouldn't always come easy, but they would ALWAYS be worth it.

I would ask that you tell yourself in two years to allow joy to swallow fear and apprehension.

I would ask you to be strong in the process, even in the most difficult parts.

And to remind yourself that this journey isn't about you. That the reality is? It was never about you.

I would ask you to take deep breaths when uncertainty starts creeping in. To give yourself wholeheartedly to any child that God brings before you, no matter how scary it is. And I would ask you to Trust Him to come through for your good, no matter what.

Because He Loves you.

Oh, and here are the winning Lotto numbers...

Love,

Me (in 2011)

One month

2011-12-12T09:54:00.003-06:00

Saturday marked one month since our adoption journey took a drastic turn.

This month has been filled with the obvious:

Sadness.

Confusion.

Frustration.

But what really surprised me? Were the feelings of joy. humility. and strength.

We don't doubt God's hand in our situation. We don't question His plan. And even with all that? It just...

Wasn't fair.

There is no one to blame. No one did anything wrong.

In fact, what happened is the true picture of God's grace and love in reuniting a family.

We know that we were not supposed to be Cupcake's family.

And yet, for us? it still just wasn't fair.

We're not supposed to be here.

Nervous.

Anxious.

Uncertain.

We're supposed to be somewhere else. Somewhere happier.

Somewhere more? Fair.
(I've tried explaining this to God. It's gotten me virtually nowhere)

But we're not.

And in the midst of hardship, we give God more room to work.

And He gives us more grace.

Grace to handle things that we were certain we couldn't.

Grace to pray with renewed clarity and fervor.

Grace to walk through the pain of inconsiderate questions and comments and come out the other side undamaged.

Grace to trust that He will fulfill what He promised.

This Christmas season, I have been blessed with greater gifts than I though possible. But they didn't come without a price.

Of course, nothing does.

And, then, the child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother:“This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.” Luke 2:33-35

Our Growing Family

2011-12-11T20:26:00.000-06:00

That's right...our family is growing again...

Allow me to introduce you to Moses, our 9 week old Shepherd mix mutt.

He's already learned a few difficult lessons regarding biting. barking. biting. chewing. and biting.

He's proven that he's ornery. And also that he bores easily.

And he's quickly discovered the power of puppy eyes.

It's a good thing he's so cute (and naps often). =)

Book Giveaway WINNER

2011-12-04T17:37:00.000-06:00

So, here we are...two days later and I remembered about my giveaway...

I told you this might happen.

You were fairly warned.

In my defense, I had an eventful weekend. Full of puppies and concerts and grocery shopping and such.

There was little time for things like *thinking*

So without further ado..

wasting no more time...

without delay...

forthwith...

Okay, okay... Don't leave.

The winner is:

Lauren Ellis said...

I keep hearing about this book and I REALLY want to read it.
Lauren

***************

And since Lauren was just wed this weekend, I will probably have to get in touch with her...It would be unreasonable to think she would be blog-hopping this week =)

Lauren blogs over at Not Your Average Southern Belle. And she's pretty darn good (I taught her everything she knows. Of course). So go say hi and tell her I sent you!!

For everyone else...Stay tuned. There might be some more stuff coming your way!

Prayer in Waiting.

2011-11-30T16:47:00.001-06:00

Last year, on this very day, I wrote This Post about the difficulty of waiting. About longing.

I didn't even suspect that--fast-forwarding into the future a year--I would have those feelings again.

I never imagined what would have transpired in the past year.

But it doesn't really matter, because I wouldn't have believed you if you had told me anyways.

I have mentioned before that sometimes I like to go back through old posts to see where I was in years past.

It's a reminder of the power of the written word.

Of personal growth.

And of the faithfulness of God.

This prayer was on my heart a year ago and somehow, God knew I would need the reminder of these words-- Right now. today. where I sit.

And I am so thankful for the small reminders in our lives.

"Father, thank you. Thank you for loving my child more than even I could comprehend (and I am Mommy, after all). Thank you for pursuing your favorite one with so much zeal, as to send two unsuspecting Americans from halfway around the world. Thank you for allowing us to be part of your redeeming love. Thank you for directing our path and guiding our steps. Thank you for loving me so completely. Thank you for trusting me with your most precious creation. Thank you for telling me that I am your most precious creation, too. Thank you for teaching me to wait on you... as I wait for my child. I will forever be humbled, and honored to understand how desperately you pursue your children with love and comfort. I pray that I will always be an example of You to the world. Comfort, protect, and watch over my baby until I can get there...Amen and amen."

Because I Love You

2011-11-29T10:45:00.002-06:00

I read it.

I fell in love with the heart of it.

I could feel The Spirit of God dripping all over it.

It would be wrong not to share it.

Kisses from Katie: A Story of Relentless Love and Redemption

So I am.

It's used. I read it. There may --or may not--be tear stains on it. But that's okay, right?

We're all family here.

So, here's how this will work (the world Needs rules, here, people..)

1. You have to be a follower of my blog (if you are a stalker, here's your chance to come clean). It's super easy. You click the "Join this site with Google Connect" button and voila! The opportunities are endless. And you make me feel good about myself. So really you're doing it for me. =)

2. You have to leave a comment below telling me why you think you deserve the book. Or why the sky is blue....In fact, really, you can put anything because I will be using random.org to generate a winner and not the creativeness of the commentor.

That's another game for another day.

3. The winner? Must pass the book on when they are finished. Just payin' it forward folks.

The giveaway will remain open until Friday December 2nd. At some point after that, I will remember I have the giveaway going and will select a winner.

I'm only human.

So, let's get this party started, already! =)

[Disclaimer]: Katie Davis and the people of Amazima don't know anything about me or my giveaway. This is all me. However, if you know Katie, feel free to give her my digits. I think we could be the best of friends. And if she's worried about book sales-- tell her I am getting the Kindle copy for Christmas, so it's all good. =)

Motionless.

2011-11-23T13:44:00.000-06:00

Sometimes it feels like life is speeding past and leaving me motionless in it's dust.

It's as if life is a train and I am just not quite fast enough to jump on board...I give it everything I have. And still...It's speeds off without me.

Don't get me wrong, I would never wish for anyone else to be standing where I am, watching as life gently caresses others down their path with little resistence.

It's just that?

I wouldn't have wished it for me, either.

You see, I strongly disagree with the philosophy that God never gives us more than we can handle.

I think He does.

And on purpose, even.

It's in these places of facing insurmountable mountains?

It's these times of deep pain and sorrow?

It's in the seasons of being certain you can't possibly survive another hit?

That we become overwhelmingly desperate for His presense.

That we truly begin to rely on Him for the basic Will to go on.

It's here? That He has the room to grow us into a deeper relationship and is able to reveal to us things that our own carnal abilities have somehow kept us blind to...

No. I don't buy into that "He'll never give you more than you can handle" nonsense...

But I am certain about this:

He will never give me more than HE can handle.

Today.

2011-11-22T06:52:00.000-06:00

Today would have been our court date for Cupcake.

I'm not especially sad, today (no more than the usual anyways). In fact, most of my emotional energy is wrapped up in convincing The Husband to let me get a puppy.

Like this one:

Or this one:

I already have several names picked out:

Geordi LaForge (Yes, we did in fact just finish watching the entire Star Trek NG series)

Franky S. (for those baby blues)

Ronald

Brutus.

Marvel.

and Finnick.

See?

I have a lot on my mind these days....

Any ideas for helping The Husband to understand the depths of my puppy-fever would be greatly appreciated.

But as I take a break from Puppy-love land, I have a few special prayer requests as we mark this now-ordinary day:

* Please pray for Cupcake's family. That God's favor in their lives would be always evident. That they would have the means to provide for her and that they would be healthy and happy.

* Pray for their continued reunification and transition. As difficult as adoption is, reunification has it's own list of hardships (And I doubt seriously that they have access to Dr. Purvis's stuff). We believe that God heals and restores and in this family, our prayers are that that restoration happens quickly and easily for Cupcake.

* Pray for us as we move forward. That there would be no hurdles to jump or red-tape to get through in bringing home the child we are called to. That God would continue to prepare our hearts to give as forcefully and relentlessly to this child as we did for Cupcake. That our prayers would be fervent on Little Smith's behalf and that we would have renewed confidence and peace as we move forward.

Getting another referral will undoubtedly be *different* this time. But I don't want my experiences in Cupcake's journey to hinder my willingness to love completely and wholeheartedly as we await our next child's referral and the process attached to that.

Forward On, We Will Go.

2011-11-17T17:41:00.000-06:00

I wish I could explain the ebbs and flows that have coursed through my spirit these last few days.

I miss my daughter.

But I have to release her to the love and comfort she will experience with her family.

I am grieving our loss.

But I know that she has gained so much more than we could have ever given her.

And, the facts are simple. We are called to adopt. Called to adopt a child that needs a family

This plan hasn't changed simply because of the crappy cards we got dealt in this hand.

So forward on, we will go.

Please, know this....It's not an easy decision. Knowing that there is risk of having our wounds reopened.

It's not with the joyful exuberance of This Experience that we go back on the waiting list. Backwards. Several months. Backwards.

It's not with the same naivity that we will look on towards getting another referral.

Yes. It could happen again.

Yes. We could have our hearts ripped out. Again.

But we remain confident of this. That there IS a child out there that needs a family. That, in fact, there are MILLIONS of children out there that need families.

And it's not fair to them if we allow fear and uncertainty to direct our steps.

Our lives are not worse by having loved Cupcake.

Her life isn't worse by having had us love her so much.

But if we allow this pain and loss to control us?

A child will never know that love.

A child out there will never have those prayers prayed over him/her.

A child out there will never have a family on the other side of the world gaze at their pictures in wonder, amazement, and adoration.

A child out there will never have someone pursue them desperately with the heart of a parent. Relentlessly.

A child out there will never have a mommy tuck him/her in a night. Or a daddy wrestle with them and teach them how to throw a football.

A child out there--somewhere-- will never have a family.

No, It's not an easy decision...But we refuse to hand this calling over to the enemy and walk away defeated.

Our hearts may be broken today, but I know that He will bring our healing.

We will never stop loving or praying for our Cupcake (nor should we) but we know that God brought us here and unless there are no more children who need to be set into the love and shelter of a family?

Then forward on, we will go.

29

2011-11-16T07:09:00.000-06:00

This man is turning 29.

This man who hates all the hullabub around birthdays but humors me anyways.

This man who has equal portions of music and love flowing out of him.

Who can make me laugh better than anyone else.

Who constantly desires to grow as a husband and father (someday).

This man who loves to travel and explore.

Who isn't afraid to be silly.

Who will watch the entire Star Trek Next Generation series with me.

Who loves God with every ounce of his being.

This man who loves good food, good fellowship, and good football.

Who is spontaneous and loves surprises (giving them--not so much on the receiving end) =)

This man who holds my hand in public. and in the car.

And isn't afraid to say he's sorry.

This man who is stronger than anyone I know but sensitive enough to read bedtime stories.

I love this man.

Happy Birthday to The Greatest Husband In The World. May we both be blessed with 100 more of your birthdays.

Real.

2011-11-14T17:52:00.000-06:00

"It's always better for a child to remain in his/her birth-country...with his/her birth-family. Adoption--and especially international adoption--is a last resort. We're not even plan B, we're like Plan F."

These are the kinds of things we say in adoption.

Don't get me wrong....we believe them... It's just that it's so easy to say? Because it's such a far-fetched idea. Because many times, it takes so long for a child to become "adoptable" that by the time you are involved they have spent most of their little lives in an orphanage. Because there are so many children that have aged out of the system that we can hardly imagine our child wouldn't need a family.

Because it's hypothetical.

Maybe we say it to make ourselves feel better?

Maybe we say it to--in some strange way--honor the family and country?

But whatever the reasons. It's a lot harder to say when it's no longer hypothetical. It's a lot harder to say when it becomes real.

Like Real real.

Like the kind of real that knocks the wind out of you while you sit at your desk, trying desperately to maintain some image of normalcy.

Like the kind of real that takes a joyful, excited time and replaces it with the darkness of canceled plane tickets, unpacked bags, and the sorrow of realizing we aren't going to be her family.

Like the kind of real that makes you take all your hypothetical words?

And eat them.

It's the kind of real that tells me, If this thing really hasn't been "about me" so far, then it sure can't start being about me now.

And, for the record?

Real...is way harder than hypothetical.

Real? Makes me realize that if it's ME feeling loss and grief and sadness or HER feeling loss and grief and sadness...I would choose to take it every time.

Real? Makes me put on my big-girl pants when I would rather be angry and bitter and ask myself if this is what's best for her? If she will be happy and loved? If she is *gulp* better off?

Because I really love her.

And, Real? Is what I have in front of me. It's not a glossed-over, hypothetical picture of what we want adoption to always be. It's a perfectly clear picture of what it means to walk this path. Of what it means to put yourself out there. Of what it means to learn you are Plan B.

For Real.

So..now that things have gotten real real around here?

All I can do is pray that every day she wakes up with the sun on her face and love in her heart. That she lives each day full of ambition and play and joy. That she is hugged and kissed every. single. day. That lullabies get sung to her at bedtime and someone comes running each time she cries.

That she never feels the loss of her country and her culture. That she feels completely connected to her heritage.That there is someone there to tell her what kind of baby she was, whether she was happy or fussy, what her first words were, what she liked and disliked...All things that she would have lost with us.

And that, somehow, she feels our prayers and knows that she is Always. Always. Loved.

For Real.

Humbled.

2011-11-12T15:57:00.004-06:00

I have been incredibly humbled by the outpouring of support and love for us as we grieve the loss of our daughter.

The past few days have not been easy.

One friend commented that this situation is one of the "worst of the worst" in adoption. I couldn't agree more.

The next few days and weeks probably won't be much easier.

But, we know that this too shall pass.

These feelings of loss? This overwhelming sadness? The gaping whole in our hearts and lives?

Will eventually heal.

I don''t understand why God introduced this child into my heart and life if I wasn't to be her mother.

I don't know when this searing pain in my heart will begin healing.

and I am filled with consuming confusion and grief over why He would let this would happen..

But I know that if I have the strength enough to hand over my sorrow to God...that He will turn it (someday) into joy.

I know that if I give Him my bleeding, broken heart...That he will take my mourning and replace it with dancing.

You changed my mourning into dancing. You took off my funeral clothes and dressed me up in joy Psalm 30:11 (CEB)

My confidence is not in the things of this world.

My hope is not in what man will/will not do.

My faith is not diminished in the face of grief and loss.

This will take time.

But, much to my dismay, I have a lot of that now....

Thank you for all of your encouraging comments, text messages, emails, phone messages and most of all Your Prayers. I feel them.

I really do.

Difficult News.

2011-11-10T18:04:00.000-06:00

Today we were given the difficult news that we will not be able to proceed with Cupcake's adoption.

We know that many of you have prayed for us, encouraged us, and even financially supported us in this journey and we can't express how much it has meant to us.

You are part of our village and we are so grateful for your continued support and prayers during this difficult season as we grieve this loss and learn how we are going to live with this new reality

One Week.

2011-11-09T22:32:00.000-06:00

I can feel my nerves bubble beneath the surface sometimes.

I usually suppress those feeling and replace them with to-do lists.

This weekend we will be at my home-church for a revival assembly.

I am speaking Sat, morning. As in 4 days before we leave to meet C.

My notes look something like this:

I. Introduction

        II.

        III.

        IV.

        V. Conclusion

I am totally gonna pull the "Waiting momma about to fly halfway around the world to meet my 3 year old daughter for the first time after two years in the process" card as my excuse.

I am also going to do my usual "Pray that the Spirit of God falls on the place and everyone is weeping at the alter 5 minutes before I am supposed to speak"

Nothing like the spirit of God coming down to trump anything I might have said anyways.

No, really, God. You go right ahead. 5 minutes before, capish?

***************

In other news.

We are leaving on a jet plane in exactly 7 days, 13 hours.

181 Hours.

10,860 Minutes.

651,600 Seconds.

Not that I am counting or anything.....

Fairytales.

2011-11-08T15:16:00.001-06:00

I often have to remind myself about expectations. Setting them. Releasing them. NOT having them at all.

You see, in this funny business of Hurry Up and Wait, it seems that it can become almost TOO easy to create fantasies (both good and bad) about That Moment.

Who hasn't watched a good Forever Family Day video or two?

Who hasn't cried at the wealth of emotion and love displayed?

Who hasn't imagined what that day might look like for your family?

Don't get me wrong. I want That kind of introduction, too. But I know that for every beautiful moment caught on film, there are 10 others filled with apprehension, rejection, and fear. Those moments probably don't make the videos very often....

I think it's our human nature to try creating fairytales out of our*sometimes mediocre* lives ( I said sometimes, don't shoot me yet).

And this is no exception.

Of course, I want my sweet daughter to have an immediate connection with me.

I want her to melt into my arms and stare deeply into my eyes, completely confident in me as her mother.

I want to see restoration immediately begin happening in my daughter's heart.

But I don't live in a fairy-tale.

And in reality? We're talking about a very young little girl who has experienced more loss and trauma than most of us can comprehend.

We're talking about strangers who don't look anything like her, who don't speak her language, who don't smell the way other caretakers smell. And who will *probably* be quite disheveled and jet-lagged.

I don't remember reading anything quite so terrifying in any of my childhood fairytales.

Not to mention, they have probably only recently started introducing the idea of a mommy/daddy scenario to her. So while I DESIRE for her to immediately realize the depth of my love for her, I UNDERSTAND why she won't.

No, I have to set that "attachment bar" much. much. lower.

In fact, I will be thrilled if she doesn't go screaming into another room
(If it were me, I probably would).

And, of course, it breaks my heart to know that this won't look like a storybook fairytale.

Of course, it hurts to recognize that rejection--or at the very least apprehension-- are possible players in this story.

Of course, this excitement and anxiousness cocktail are constantly at war with each other in my soul.

But, when God called us towards adoption, there were no promises of roses and rainbows. He made no effort to "sugar-coat" things or "trick" us with glowing imaginations. (I did those lovelies-- all by myself).

Instead, he broke my heart.

He reminded me of what it took to bring me Redemption.

He recalled, for me, my own story of becoming part of His family.

He declared me as a child of God always, even though I have--at times-- been:

Apprehensive.

Full of rejection.

Struggling down the path of healing that is littered with past grief, hurts, rejections, abandonments. Trauma.

And through it all, He walked with me.

He comforted me.

He picked me up and dusted me off.

And He said the words, "You Are Mine". Over and over.

And so. No. I don't expect a fairytale. At least not in the Annie sense.

But I happen to think God writes much better stories, anyways.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." Psalm 40:2

^"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

*Foot-note: I mentioned that we have examined our "expectations" of this journey and that is completely true...but it doesn't mean we won't experience hurts, frustrations, and weariness in this. (as we have already many times), so please continue to pray for us: For God's Favor, For Open Doors, For Miracles.....While our "expectations" may be realistic, I know we serve a Supernatural God... One who is often looking for opportunities to surprise us, and I *personally* happen to think this is a perfect one.

Winner Winner, Chicken Dinner!

2011-11-07T20:31:00.000-06:00

Never.

Win.

Anything.

Until Today!!

Go check out Kelly's awesome month of Purposeful Giveaways...and shop with a purpose this Christmas season!

Oh, and the Puzzle Piece raffle winners are posted! Go check out the winners Here!

Did Somebody Say "Prizes"? WINNERS UPDATED!!!

2011-11-05T23:00:00.000-05:00

After 303 puzzle pieces purchased, 11 different people posting about this on facebook, 4 people blogging about it and 4 extra "referral" entries we ended up with a grand total of:

(Drumroll please....)

319 Entries!!!!!!!!!

We feel incredibly blessed by the outpouring of support and we are still believing that God will have this puzzle completed in Perfect Timing!

Thank you to everyone for your extravagant generosity!! I have said it before but it rings true today, as well....

It's one thing to know that we serve and Awesome God, but it is quite another to know people who Awesomely serve God!!!

Thank you for awesomely serving!!! We pray daily that you would be blessed abundantly in return!!

So now that that is covered....

What's a raffle fundraiser without a few good prizes!!!

(Winners: Notify me at smithfamilyjourney@gmail.com

so we can get you the details!!)

Beautiful handmade baby quilt and matching receiving blanket.
WINNER: #13: Jessica Linz

*************************************************************************************

Amazing pink and lime green tutu. Size 3
WINNER: #73: Candace Drozal

*************************************************************************************

Customized Africa t-shirt (picture is example)
WINNER: #256: Erica Kennett

*************************************************************************************

$10 Starbucks Gift Card

WINNER: #164: Stephanie Milosevich

*************************************************************************************

Amazing Fair Trade Ethiopian cofee
WINNER: #41: Andrea Withrow

*************************************************************************************


MP3 Player. Valued at $75 WINNER: #122: Anna Walker *************************************************************************************

Customized apron (Picture is example)

WINNER: #146: Rene Holcomb

*************************************************************************************

Beautiful Africa necklace
WINNER: #171: Rebecca Winter

*************************************************************************************


Lovely Ethiopia necklace WINNER: #289: Erica Kennett *************************************************************************************

Beautifully hand painted cross
WINNER: #57: Nicole Newberry

*************************************************************************************


. Yum!!! Scentsy warmer and scented brick WINNER: #86: Sarah Jacob *************************************************************************************

A Thousand Yeses.

2011-11-02T10:54:00.001-05:00

Some of you remember my extraordinary weekend with Dr. Purvis.

One of the things that she spoke of that completely resonated in my spirit was the Privelege of One Thousand Yeses.

You see, our children from hard places--many times--- missed out on the season of yeses that children in stable, loving families get..Within the first few months of life, we shower them with YES!.

They cry, we pick them up.

They are hungry, we feed them.

They are dirty, we clean them.

They are scared, we comfort them.

Regardless of what the need/desire was? It was met.

Now, we all know that that season is short...but in that short span of time? Our children learn to depend on us for their needs. They learn that loving parents say Yes.

It's something we aspire to do with Cupcake when she gets home. Give her a season of yeses. Remove the temptations that lead to a "no" and respond quickly to meet her needs/wants/desires in a way that she understands that she? can depend on us. In any opportunity, we wish to respond with a joyful, loving Yes, teaching her that we will meet her needs. That we love and adore her. That she is valued.

But where my heart was truly gripped was as I related this season to our Father. I can think of many times when I was in a season of correction. When I was in a season of discipline and "character-building".

I am not gonna lie to ya, those seasons are tough. They tug at our very selfish-nature and strengthen areas in our lives that we don't mind leaving weak and covered up.

For instance, I don't mind the bliss of *thinking* I have patience down to an art. I'd rather not learn it the hard way.

Humilty? Yah, leave that one untouched too, ifyadontmind.

And how about Character in the face of adversity? Whew, I break out in a sweat just thinking of how we learn that one!

But that isn't the way He works. We are clay in the potter's hand, being molded into the way He created us...pushing aside the things of our nature and leaning completely on Him. It's not always roses and rainbows....

But He doesn't start in that place. Because, honestly, if He did??? How many of us would hang around while our character was being tested in the fire and remain strong in our faith of the One who made us?? How many of us would allow humilty to be taught and remain faithful if we didn't first have love and trust in our Maker?

('Not I' said the cat)

The reason we withstand the seasons of difficult answers, doors being shut, black paint on the beautiful murals of our lives?

Is because we trust our Father. Because He started with A Thousand Yeses.

When I was broken?

When I was lonely?

When I struggled with my self-worth? My value? My purpose?

He responded with 'Yes'.

He carried me when I was weak.

He sheltered me in the storm.

He showered me with affection.

He told me of my value and worth to Him.

He gave me 1000 yeses. Over and over. and over. again.

Until I was leaning completely on His strength. Until I could withstand the heat of the refiner's fire. Until I was sure He would meet my needs.

So that when those difficult times came? I could remind myself of the Father that held me through it.

I could fall back on the knowledge that He wouldn't leave me now..because He never had before.

I would hold steady in the face of adversity, knowing that He adored me.

And, He adores you, too, you know?

He longs to be the one giving you a thousand yeses.. In even a greater way than I long to be the one giving Sweet Girl a thousand yeses.

And trust me, that is an immeasurable desire.

To be able to give my child the gift of 1000 yeses.

Will you let Him?

"For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls." Matthew 11:28-29

"Your promises have been thoroughly tested, and your servant loves them." Psalm 119:140

"For no matter how many promises God has made, they are “Yes” in Christ. And so through him the “Amen” is spoken by us to the glory of God." 2 Corinthians 1:20

Didn't see that coming!

2011-10-13T14:24:00.000-05:00

WE HAVE A COURT DATE!!

We will be traveling across the globe next month to meet our Sweet Cupcake!!

We are excited.

And anxious.

And nervous.

And a little overwhelmed.

And full of anticipation.

We can't wait to meet our Sweet Girl and we are excited to see how God provides the way for us!!!

Thank you for your continued prayers and support!

To join with us financially, please check our our puzzle piece fundraiser! We need $5000 for this first trip!!

Praise the Lord! This truly will be a time of Thanksgiving!!!

I will give to the Lord the thanks due to His rightness and justice, and I will sing praise to the name of the Lord Most High.

Psalm 7: 17

Her Story.

2011-10-13T06:31:00.001-05:00

Before I move on to Sweet Girl's story...I want to tell you mine.

When I was 3 years old, my Dad became my "dad". When I was 7, we all dressed up in our Sunday best and made it legal in the courts.

That day? I remember vividly.

I don't have any relationship with my biological father or family. I have One searing memory of him.

That's all I needed.

I tell you all that as a prelude to this. When I was 7, we moved to a new town. I desperately didn't want people to know that my dad wasn't my "real" dad. I didn't want people to call my brother and sister my "half" brother and sister. I just wanted to blend right in.

And, you know what?

My mother gave me that.

I can easily recall having complete ownership of my story.

What I chose to share was my decision.

What I chose to keep to myself? Also my decision.

I remember finally making the decision to tell my best friend.... in High School (!)

In fact I can remember making each and every decision as to what I would and would not share about my story.

Because it was all mine.

The point is... no matter what had happened in my life that I didn't have control over?

I owned my story.

Fast forward twenty some-odd years and there is a beautiful little girl across the world who is going to have a lot of things happen that she doesn't have control over.

She'll lose her home and sense of normalcy.

She'll lose the majority of her culture.

She'll lose her language.

She's already lost people she loved....

And that breaks my heart into a million pieces. Yes. Adoption is redemption. Yes, It puts the fatherless into families.

But.

It is not without it's share of loss. It's not without it's share of "lack of control". It's not without grief.

We will do everything in our power to retain culture.

We will do whatever possible to keep some language.

But we can't give her back everything she's lost.

We will walk through that loss and grief with her. We will be completely committed to her healing. And I am confident that God doesn't leave us in "distress". I know His story for her doesn't end here. And I am honored to be her Mommy and watch His destiny unfold in her life.

But we can't give her back what she's lost.

What I can give her?

Is her story.

**********

~~Everyone~~ Most people who have asked about her backstory are well-intentioned. They mean no malice or harm. They aren't looking for gossip or a good story.

But please know...

I won't share.

Because I love that little girl too much not to protect her story until she is old enough to decide what she would like to do with it.

I love her too much to hand out the precious details of her life to strangers and passerbys.

I love her too much to take ownership of what is rightfully hers.

You see, she may not have the luxury of blending in (which both her daddy and I had) as she processes her life and adoption story.

But she will always.

Always.

Own her own story.

**********

We are still working hard to reach our big goal of $5,000! We know that number is bigger than anything we can do on our own...BUT GOD IS ABLE! We are confident that God has called us in this journey and He will fund it! If you want to partner with us in this adoption journey, please go to http://smithfamilylowdown.blogspot.com/2011/10/puzzle-piece-fundraiser.html
to purchase your puzzle pieces! And don't forget, for every person that also partners with us and tells us you sent them, you get an additional raffle entry!!! Every $5 helps... So share away!!

{Candid} Thoughts.

2011-10-07T12:23:00.001-05:00

It's difficult to explain how it feels when people partner with you to help bring a child home. Every $5 puzzle piece purchase touches my heart so much. We are blessed, indeed. And we still have a long Long way to go.

I can't really explain the struggle that we (like many other families) have in asking for help. We have saved (and saved. and saved) for some time to have most of the money needed in the process to bring our daughter home. We don't have extras. We drive old cars. We don't live extravagantly. We tithe and support outreaches in our church.

And yet, in the end, we still needed help. We still don't have enough.

I couldn't help but (in my prideful nature) ask God why?

Why is it that even with all we have done, it's not enough to bring her home?

Why do we have to swallow our pride and ask others to partner with us? (what if they don't want to)

Why can't we just look like we have it all together on our own?

I mean....God would still get the glory, right? We try to live our lives in a way that God always gets the glory. So, there's no loss there.

Right?

"If you give, you will get! Your gift will return to you in full and overflowing measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. Whatever measure you use to give-- large or small-- will be used to measure what is given back to you". Luke 6:38

"God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them". Hebrew 6:10

“I know, my God, that you test the heart and are pleased with integrity. All these (offerings) I have given willingly and with honest intent. And now I have seen with joy how willingly your people who are here have given to you". 1 Chron. 29:17

I understand these verses completely when I am honored to give and partner with other ministries, familes, and missionaries.
(It's just harder to see it that way on the other side)

I recognize that I may not be able to go with them. That I can't single-handedly end the orphan crisis. That I can't "run" the ministries doing great things on my own.

Not only am I not qualified.

That's just not how God intended it.

Our lives are intertwined. Our success in transforming our world, our Children's world, is connected to our ability to support each other. To give. To support. To pray.

And, then? When I am forced to step back from my pride and let God show me more...I can clearly see that He COULD very easily plant an Adoption Money Tree in our backyard.

Oh, how the people would marvel...

But He won't.

Because He has already chosen His vessel.

Us.

You and me.

Working together to make our world a better place. A place that shines God's light. A world where God is given the glory. Because we said Yes. You may have said "Yes" to something different. But we all know what it's like to say "Yes" to God.

For us? It was adoption. When God asked us to bring children into our loving family the same way God brought us into his. We simply said "Yes"

And, because we said yes? He will make a way.

It may not be the easy, pride-protecting, Adoption Money Tree way.

But, I wouldn't trade the joy of having people join with us and support us on this journey for that tree...

I'll take "community" over "pride" any day.

If you would like to join with us, please go to our Fundraiser Post for more information!

A Weird Feeling.

2011-10-04T11:13:00.001-05:00

Today, for the first time...I started crying reading milestone blogs..

I mean, I cry reading blogs pretty frequently..Just? Not the ones that document kiddos milestones at X age.

But today? I had a weird feeling.....

I have pictures of Cupcake ~~all over my desk~~ pretty much everywhere...And reading these blogs this morning, I had my first sense of personal loss.

I have prepared myself for dealing with Sweet Girl's losses and helping her to walk through that grief...but as her mother..I hadn't really considered my own.

You see? She already walks.... She already talks.... She already eats on her own....She already smiles (although this has yet to be documented on camera).

And...I am so unexplainably thankful to God for entrusting her to us...

but I can't help but feel a sense of loss for not getting to be there when she first picked up her chubby body and took steps
(This is totally fabricated based on my imagination...My girl is really skinny)

Or wondering what her first words were....

I am confident that she first smiled at her Enat...and I can happily give that one away because her Enat loved her as much....but the others? Probably happened in an orphanage. A loving, caring orphanage I am sure.....

But it's the not same as having her mommy cheer for her and run for the camera before she plumets back to the ground when taking those first steps...

Or having mommy and daddy argue over whether or not baby gibberish might be some rendition of supercalifragilisticexpialidocious convincing us of her future as either a scientist or a broadway actress
(either would be acceptable of course)...

And, I don't know really where these emotions came from. I haven't felt them before and honestly? I haven't felt anything but love and gratitude for the opportunity to be her mommy. I feel an inexplicable connection with her Enat and first family...and overall I am walking in constant thanksgiving for our Sweet Girl.

I guess today? I just realized that--with all I will get to be there for----there are some things I just missed.

And that just made me a little sad...

Puzzle Piece Fundraiser!!

2011-10-02T20:55:00.002-05:00

UPDATED: Check out our growing "Prize List" here!

As we come closer to the end of our adoption journey, we are realizing how important our "community" is.

Not only by their prayers, support, and help in this LONG journey..

But also those who are willing to step out and support our fundraisers with their purchases, by spreading the word, and by standing with us in prayer for God to get the glory!!

We are coming to the last (and most expensive) part of our adoption journey....While we have saved and saved over the last two years, we still lack about $10,000 (mostly travel costs) in what we will need within the next 6 months.

It's always interesting to me how hard it is for me to post about fundraisers when I personally get such joy in being able to partner with other families and become part of their "community" supporting their adoption!!

And so, I am asking if you would consider today, helping us bring Cupcake home into her forever family. Every person/family will get their name on the back of their puzzle pieces and it will be displayed in our home as a reminder of how many people came together in support of adoption and the care of the orphans!!

THE RULES:

Each puzzle piece purchased equals one raffle ticket! As you can see there are BIG discounts with some of the larger tickets purchases...If you would like a customized order (say 100 puzzle pieces) just message me and I will create something special!! =)

BONUS ENTRIES:

* Share THIS post on Facebook

* Blog about this Fundraiser (and link back to this post)

* One extra entry for each raffle purchase if the person tells

me you sent them!

We are excited to see what God is going to do through this! Our prayer is that we can raise $5000 towards our travel costs (two trips to Ethiopia)

Thank you for joining with us in bringing Cupcake home for good!! You are an important part of our puzzle!! Every piece counts!!

Thankful Thursday.

2011-09-29T10:13:00.000-05:00

1. The wisdom of Pioneers. I am still considering and relishing in all the wisdom we were handed at the conference last weekend. It was truly amazing to be there!

2. Prudent Baby's Evil Buttercream Icing. Specifically on top of my orange cupcakes for potluck tomorrow!

3. New ideas and motivation. Much needed help for organizing the ~~chaos~~ slight disarray of the sewing area of the multi-purpose room which is now going to be the music/office/crafts/guest room in preparation of Sweet Girl's homecoming =)

4. Lifelong friendships

5. A host of friends and family helping raise the funds needed for 5 plane tickets to Africa!! Well, 4 and a half... Sweet Girl just needs one home!

6. New TOMS wedges. Have you seen these? I them:

7. Good News! I read about another lovely family receiving "The Call" this week and it made my heart soar all over again!! That feeling is euphoric. I can't even describe it but I was so excited to see that they were holding pictures of their new Little One.

Beautiful. Just Beautiful.

8. Books that challenge my spirit. I have kinda-sorta joined a Book Club...meaning, I am reading the books with them but their meeting dates for the next TWO months coincide with dates we are traveling. Thus, I am not really in the club...since the whole meeting-discussing-eating our hearts out is a critical element of said-club-ness.

Anyways. This month we are reading two different viewpoints on Hell. And boy, oh boy..am I enjoying these books!

9. Getting cards or letters in the mail. This just makes me happy =)

10. Fall Weather, Pumpkin Spice Lattes, and Salted Caramel Hot Chocolate. I know I have said this before... I am a creature of habit. Ya'll should just consider yourself lucky that I am not already saying "Christmas" every week =)

What are you thankful for this Thursday??

Stangely Real.

2011-09-29T09:48:00.000-05:00

Talking on the phone with a friend yesterday, this was the best way I could describe how it's felt since receiving Cupcake's referral.

Strangely. Real.

In the physical nature of our lives (what we do, when we do it, what we consider before we do it)?

Nothing has really changed.

But in our hearts, we have a three-year old little girl who we love more than we can express.

I know, it's strange.

But it's also real.

When you start saying "Yes" to God, things that seemed impossible become possible. Things that seem unusual become 'normal'. And places that have been guarded and protected in the 'wait' can immediately become vulnerable and overtaken with love. In an instant.

I wouldn't think that a simple picture can change everything. But it does.

I don't have a daughter, here with me. But I do have a daughter.

I don't know how to walk this next part of the journey. But I trust that He hasn't left me here alone.

It's strangely real.

"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10

*********************

Stay Tuned for our Puzzle Piece Fundraiser/Raffle starting Monday!!! And, if you have any items that you can donate as prizes, please contact me at: smithfamilyjourney [at] gmail [dot]

We are believing God for $5000 with this fundraiser so please consider joining with us as we are working with everything we have to bring our Sweet Girl home!

What a weekend!

2011-09-26T14:20:00.001-05:00

The Husband and I just returned from a weekend in Nashville, attending the Empowered to Connect conference with Dr. Karyn Purvis.

I don't know if you have ever read her book, The Connected Child, or followed any of her Trust Based Parenting Principles...but I can't recommend them enough!! We just think she's amazing.

And we are so grateful that she faithfully followed her calling and has laid a framework for helping us understand how to reach and connect with our children from hard places.

I was also so blessed to meet one of my favorite bloggers One Thankful Mom at this conference. The Husband asked me if I approached her like some groupie and fumbled around with all my words--which may or may not have happened to me when I met a favorite band in college. A situation that-if happened- might have left me walking away disgusted with my vocabulary's disloyalty to me--.

But the answer is, No. Thankfully. I think I played it cool. ;-)

It isn't that I was star-struck (see above: band encounter), but rather extremely honored. I know people struggle with when and how much to share on this "internet" thing that records everything we put here forever...but for us? In adoption? We need those who have gone before us..The Pioneers..to present to us the real picture.

That, we are part of God's redemption, yes...but we are now also walking our children through their own grief and trauma...and that may not always be pretty. She does a good job of that and I am so grateful to have followed their story as we embark on our own with Cupcake!

I was also blessed to spend time with friends. We met our friends, The Jones Family, for the conference and enjoyed many laughs and great conversations and also got to see an old friend we hadn't seen in over a decade!

It was overall a beautiful weekend and we were so blessed to have had the opportunity to make the trek!

Lastly, I just can't say enough good things about Dr. Purvis and the Empowered to Connect team. If you are considering (or maybe already in) the world of adoption or foster parenting, please read or watch her stuff! She has such a heart for helping our children heal and just hearing her share stories, you begin to partner with her faith that we CAN walk our children through their grief and trauma and into a secure relationship with a family!!

Redemption.

Six Weeks.

2011-09-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

It's been six weeks today.

The hardest part, at this point, has been trying to keep my expectations in check.

They told us 8-12 weeks before we'd here anything.

So, I will NOT call them for an update at six weeks.

Although, my phoneline is open...

In case they want to call me.

Because I am ready.

Anytime now....

Let Him have all your worries and cares, for He is always thinking about you and watching everything that concerns you. 1 Peter 5:7

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-15T11:23:00.000-05:00

There have been a couple days where I struggled to find something specifically going on that I was "thankful" for...and immediately, I would be brought to repentence:

"We rejoice [Give Thanks] in our sufferings because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope." Romans 5:3-4

"In everything give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you." I Thessalonians 5:18

I know this may come as a shock to some of you, but...

I'm not perfect.

And sometimes, I need to be reminded that I have So. Much. to be thankful for...

Even on days when work stinks and I wish I was anywhere else.

Even when my house is filthy and balancing the checkbook gives me ulcers.

Even when nothing seems to be going in my favor.

I should still be Thankful.

Because I have been redeemed.

I have been given salvation and eternal life.

And it doesn't matter how bad things get here.......Because my rewards are in Christ.

He IS my hope everlasting.

So, here is what I am thankful for today:

* My cat, Oliver. He pretty much adores me. It's nice to come home to that =)

* New connections who have a heart for helping adoptive families

* Netflix (specifically, Star Trek: The Next Generation right now)

* Fall television premiers

* Fall. Just in general.

* Cooler temperatures (see above)

* Saturdays with nothing planned

* Opportunities for new friendships

* Spicy Taco Soup

* Upcoming trips with wonderful friends

How about you? What are you Thankful for this Thursday??

The Conversation I Wish I'd Never Heard.

2011-09-12T11:26:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been there?

Trapped.

A few weeks ago? I was there. Nowhere to go. Overhearing a conversation that made my heart cry and my ears bleed.

The conversation about "race".

I first started overhearing it about the time she said the words "And then [my daughter] asked what we would do if she wanted to marry one"

"One".

African American.

"I told her that I just want what's best for her...How difficult 'that life' would be..not being accepted by any race"

Yes, you're probably feeling it too, right now, I'm sure.

That desire to stand up for our children.

To butt right into these strangers conversation and talk about our beautiful brown-skinned sons and daughters.

To stand up for our friends who married for love. Not race.

I did, too.

Because the thought that my daughter? wouldn't be accepted by any community because of her family...or because of the color of her skin? Destroys me.

I didn't interrupt.

Instead, I prayed in the spirit. I looked through my amazing photo album of Sweet Girl.

I even looked up hair-style tips.

And I did my best to forget what I was now unable to stop listening to.

Since then, I have spent a lot of time in prayer about this. I truly believe that one of the easiest attacks of the enemy is to build on the fear that we will be rejected. To feed on our desire for community. You see? God created us for community. To live amongst our breathren. To love our neighbor as ourselves.

And, Satan? Hates that. His mission is to destroy us. And telling us that a certain "path" will lead us to a place of not being accepted? is a cheap shot at God's plan for the Body of Christ.

And the fact that these conversations still happen suggests that our society is still broken. That we still have a long way to go.

But my confidence does not come from society and her dysfunctions.

My confidence comes from Christ.

And while my daughter's heritage is African.

And her culture will be a mixture of Ethiopian and American.

Her identity? Is in Christ alone.

She's not just an Ethiopian American. She's the daughter of those who have devoted their lives to the advancement of the Kingdom of God on earth. Her family is not made up of biological and adopted family members, of all colors I might add, but also of the Body of Christ. Of the church.

She's the precious daughter of the Most High.

And we are honored that He would choose us to shepherd her life on earth. That He would share His favorite one with us.

I pray today, that the Church grabs hold of this in a new way. That 10am on Sundays would no longer be the most segregated hour of the week. That the Body of Christ would come together in unity and stand up to society saying "You've got it all wrong! THIS isn't how it is supposed to be! Our acceptance is not based on the color of our skin! We are all chosen by God and blessed because we believe in Him"

"For there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him" Romans 10:12

I don't know what trials we will face in our lives.

I don't claim to have many--if any at all--of the answers to the problems in our world.

I don't know that I will always handle every battle the right way.

But I do know that in situations that arise in our lives, our confidence remains in Jesus Christ. My prayer, much like MLK Jr.'s was, is that my daughter will be judged and judge others by the content of their character, NOT the color of their skin. And that her marriage, someday, will be a glimpse and example to those around her, of the love of Christ for the Church.

I pray that society continues to work towards acceptance and stops allowing the enemy to use us as tools of rejection and separation against one another.

And I pray that, even if society isn't perfect in our lifetimes. Even if we have to walk through many of the trials that I so desperately want to shield her from? That even if there are cultural and societal dysfunctions that attempt to tear down and destroy our family and more specifically my children?

That my daughter's Identity is never shaken.

Because it never belonged to this world to begin with.

This is one of my favorite songs by Israel. When I hear it, I am immediately taken back to our trip to the Congo in 2007. We did this song with their worship team incorporating English and French. It was one of my favorite moments. I could feel God smiling down on us as we were in total unity!

Letters to my Child: The Call

2011-09-12T10:49:00.000-05:00

To my sweet, doe-eyed, beautiful Cupcake,

I can't begin to express the magnitude of the ways you have already consumed so much of our lives. Our hearts have been filled to overflowing with love for you and we can't wait to hug and kiss you and bring you into our family, officially.

It's now been 5 weeks since we saw your beautiful pictures and had what we--in adoption-world--call "The Call".

I wanted to tell you all about the first moments we saw you while the details of the day are still fresh in my memories...

It was August 8, 2011.

That morning--early-- I had emailed Ms. A with The Agency. We were hoping to schedule a conference call on that Friday to get an update on the program and where things stood. Our emotions were commonly a mixture of frustration and anxiety after being on the list 10 months and we thought that if we could talk to Ms. A and get some clarity, that we would feel, oh-so-much-better.

I was surprised to get a response back within 10 minutes. Ms. A's response was this: "Hi [Guys], I was planning to call you today anyways. Do you think we can do the call earlier than Friday? I also have some things to share with you"

Oh. My. Lands.

Your Daddy and I immediately starting going back and forth

"Do you think it's The Call?"

"What else could it be?"

"It's not like Ms. A calls and chats with us Just Because."

"Don't get your hopes up, we don't know for sure that's what it is"

I wrote Ms. A back.

"Would 3:30pm today work?"

And then we waited. She wrote back to say she had several things to get ready before our conference call but that she would try to get it all done and be ready to talk at 3:30. She would let us know....

Prayer.

Lots of prayer. I was texting, calling, begging people to pray with us. If this was supposed to be IT, we didn't want any attacks of the enemy hindering any more of this process.

I started shaking and tearing up as I asked the girls in the office to pray. We didn't know for sure but I couldn't imagine it would be anything else. I sat at my desk consumed by the Wait.

Once again. We could do nothing..

But. Wait.

As the afternoon approached, we made a plan for the call. I would head over to Daddy's office with my laptop and we could use a meeting room there for The Call.

At 2:30, the message we had been praying ~~All Day~~ For Months appeared on my email "3:30pm will be fine, I will send you some emails with quite a few documents about 20 minutes ahead of time for you to look over before the call. And yes, in case you are wondering, it IS a referral"

My heart was exploding!

I was full of anticipation...Shaking and trying desperately to stay calm enough to work for a little longer.

At 2:45, I got in the car and started making my way over to Daddy's office! While I was driving, the documents started coming through my email, and my phone would buzz each time.

And then, Daddy text me "It's a Girl!"

What?! He was supposed to wait!

"Don't open those documents until I get there!" I practically screamed into the phone to him! "We're supposed to do this together!"

He assured me he had only opened the meeting agenda and that he already knew not to look at anything else until I was there.

Another red light.

Really, God? Now is the best time to teach me a lesson in patience???

I was unnerved at this point.

Everything I was going to know about my child, including her picture, was sitting in my email...and I?

Was sitting at another red light.

Praying. Well, sort of, anyways...

I finally get to the office, we make our way down to a meeting room and set up the laptop and of course, we open the pictures first.

I don't know how to express the peace we felt staring at your pictures. Your beautiful eyes were captivating. Your sweet little lips and features just made our hearts stop. We wondered about your personality. We imagined what amazing things God has in store for you. We stared at you... trying to see what it was about that picture that changed everything in our lives in a moment...

Everything else about the call was pretty standard. A lot of paperwork. A lot of documentations.

But we couldn't take our eyes off of you. We knew immediately why This would be the hardest wait of all. Because after looking at your sweet face? We were desperate to bring you home. To hug you and kiss you and protect you.

The rest of the day was a blur. I went on a mad-spree finding more pictures of you. Anyone who might have had some had been contacted within 24 hours! We blew up your pictures for our home. Our desks. Our wallets.

We began praying specifically over you. Over your destiny. Your heart. Your transition. Your health.

We know we have been blessed incredibly by God to get to be part of your life, and we don't want to take that for granted, even for just one second.

We can't wait to meet you face-to-face, sweet child.

We love you across the ocean and back,

-Mommy.

Do You Remember Where You Were 'That Day'?

2011-09-09T14:42:00.000-05:00

(Originally posted September 11, 2010)

I do.

I had a 7am P.E. class, so I had gone to class, gotten out early, and had run back to the dorm room to commence sleeping. I had just fallen back asleep.

I remember waking up to my phone ringing.

I remember hearing The Husband--then "The Boyfriend" tell me to turn on the t.v.

I remember turning it on just in time to see the second tower get hit. My roommate came running into the room and just sat down at the end of my bed.

At that exact moment, it might have been an accident. But a few minutes later, there was word about the 3rd plane. We didn't say anything. We didn't move. We just sat there.

Everything we had forsaken?

Everything we had grown up taking for granted?

Was being attacked.

Our freedoms. Our safety. Our country.

***************
A few years ago, I was babysitting hanging out with my friend's two girls. "T" was probably about 7...maybe 8. We had watched Hairspray that night, and I remember my heart being filled with joy to see the confusion on her face as we watched it.

"Why were they being so mean to those black people?" she asked.

"We didn't do a lot of things right back then. But we are working on doing things right, now." I replied, cautious not to put myself in a corner where the historical responses might confuse her more.

"Well, I think they should have let them dance...They were the better dancers, anyways" She responded, confident that if SHE had been in charge, things would have been different.

I smiled, "Yes. Yes, they were"

"Hey Ashley...You know what we learned in school the other day?" She came back quickly, unbeknownst to me--quite finished with our previous topic.

"What's that?" I responded, sure that somehow they were teaching about the Civil Rights era in 2nd grade now...

"We learned about these people who flew planes into these big buildings in New York. And now? Those buildings are gone, and a lot of people died that day"

My heart stopped. Sitting there with T? Was the first moment I realized that there would be a whole generation who would be asking US about "that day". The significance of "that day" in history was concrete. And for T..who was just an infant on 9/11....it was as far removed as Pearl Harbor. Or World War II. Or, even, the Revolutionary War.

"You know, T...I remember "that day"" I said, feeling a little melancholy, my soul always carrying a piece of "that day" with me.

"You were ALIVE when that happened??" Her eyes big and curious.

And so I told her all about what I remembered.

How the country banded together to protect our freedom. How none of us really knew what that had rmeant before. How at that moment... regardless of political positions or intellectual disagreements? We were all, simply, Americans.

I told her about the lines at gas stations being miles long, because people were afraid of gas shortages. How planes couldn't fly for weeks afterward...anywhere. How nobody really knew what the next day would look like, or the next week. or month. or year. But that I had trusted in God and had faith that He loved us.

We talked about how I didn't actually know anyone in the towers, but that one of my professors had a son-in-law who worked there. And had been at a meeting across town when it happened. He was one of the lucky ones.

I told her we were scared. America had never been attacked like this, at least not in my lifetime...and quickly, I realized that THIS was how Americans probably felt when Pearl Harbor was attacked.

The immensity of knowing that you were alive during something as significant as that? is profound. I tried my best to explain everything I could...knowing that some things? some feelings? just couldn't be explained.

I didn't mention the picture I have in my head of people jumping out of the windows.Or the piles of bodies being pulled from the wreckage. I didn't tell her that we were always worried we would be attacked again. Even trying to proactively determine what the risk of our part of the country getting attacked would be (low, we decided). I didn't tell her that I didn't really cry. I couldn't. really. cry. It was an an emotion I had never really felt...

I did tell her how proud I was--and am--to be an American though. How the resilience of Americans after 9/11 only confirmed how blessed I had felt to be born in such a country. How, even when I don't agree with the politics, the religious disputes, the hatred, that Americans can possess....I have never wished I'd been born anywhere else.

That I have always said the Pledge of Allegiance with pride and sang Star Spangled Banner as beautifully as possible.

How, even in the worst of times, we were the greatest nation. And instead of wishing to be somewhere else, when we disagree with things, we should work to change them and make them better.

"Like the people in Hairspray did?" She asked.

"Yep. Just like that".

Thankful Thursday.

2011-09-08T08:29:00.000-05:00

I will give thanks to the LORD because of his righteousness;

I will sing the praises of the name of the LORD Most High. Psalm 7:17

I find that I can typically find something to be thankful for everyday...but it's nice every now and then to force myself to really examine my life and see where I can truly be thankful to God each day.

And today:

1. I am thankful that --thanks to Lil' Tank visiting us-- I caught my Whooping Cough pretty early. This bacterial sickness can get pretty nasty and, while mine hasn't been a walk in the park, I know I am blessed to have such a minor case.

I am usually slow to head to the Dr. but with a kiddo around, I wanted to get this nipped in the bud. In a normal situation, it would have gotten much worse before I made an appt!

2. I am thankful that the weather is cooling off and reminding us that Fall is right around the corner....September is one of my favorite months for a couple of reasons:
                            * College Football
                            * Less humidity (yay for frizzy-less hair!)
                            * Cooler temeratures
                            * Open-windows
                            * Long walks
                            * Outdoor grilling
                            * The changing of the colors

I know each season has something to love and be grateful for but March and September are by far my favorite months of the year and I am especially thankful when these months appear

Lil' Tank and I made a Fall wreath to celebrate the season!

3. That my friend Randee (and her husband Trace, of course) are going to be able to attend Empowered to Connect with us! I love being able to share adoption with such great people!

P.S. She just wrote a great post about their journey waiting so far. I highly recommend you check it out!

4. The African Fellowship gathering The Husband and I are attending Friday at church. It makes me giddy and nervous just thinking about it!! I am super excited! I pray this is a connection that stays close in our lives as we bring Cupcake home and and that it eases her brave transition into this new world!

5. Old friends. I rarely get to spend much time with friends when we travel to our childhood home...but even a few minutes here and there is nice and I am thankful that they make time for us and love us and are cheering us on in this roller-coaster journey of international adoption!

6. Natural hair care websites...I know, I know...I've already said it..but Seriously. Knowing that my daughter deserves the very best and knowing that I want to be the one meeting those needs can make a gal quite nervous when it comes to hair care...Specifically....hair styles.

But after a month (ahem, 4 weeks and 3 days) of searching online, perusing blogs and websites, watching youtube videos, reading posts. and learning, learning, learning...I am far more confident today than I have been so far. Bring on the cornrows and double-stranded twists!! =)

7. I am also excited about making my practice board this weekend. I still really want an mannequin head (anyone out there have any connections?) but the ones online are TOO expensive for my blood...So yarn it is, for now =)

8. Crockpot Girls. I know it's going to be hard for some of ya'll to believe...but I? Am crock-pot illiterate. Besides the usual beef stew and queso, I just have No. Idea. what to use my crockpot for. Now, don't get me wrong...I don't aspire to be as cool as they are. It's just nice to see some easy "throw it all in" recipes that make life easier =)

9. Pinterest. Enough said.

10. The prayers going up on behalf of our sweet girl and our process to bring her home. We are grateful for the support and prayers of so many people. We don't deserve it, we know that. And we are constantly thankful and humbled that God would bless us with so many wonderful people anyways!

Now, what are you thankful for today?

Just a few things on my mind..

2011-09-07T16:27:00.001-05:00

I love having been a blogger long enough to peruse old posts and see what I was thinking one (or even sometimes two) year(s) ago.

I was thinking THIS last year.

I still believe all those things are true.

And that's that.

The End.

I joke, I joke.

I DO still believe all those things, but I have So. Much. More to tell you.

Like, for instance, did you know that some of your vaccinations wear off when you get ~~old~~ wiser and more beautiful?

Example: I have whooping cough.Which, ironically, I thought was some irradicated disease that I only knew about because of ~~Anne of Green Gables~~ some science class I must have taken at some point in my educational years.

But, nope. It's for real. An awful, brutal, bacteria that causes me to periodically cough, gasp, turn purple, and ~~almost puke~~...nevermind. And then I am fine. Which makes people think I am somehow faking.

I wish I had thought to fake this.

Then maybe someone would have brought me a cupcake from Here to drown my faker-faker-onion-raker sorrows in.

But I didn't. And the real stuff is not fun or indulgent at all.

And STILL no one has brought me any cupcakes to drown my coughing, gasping, purple sorrows in.
************************************
In other irrelevent news:

I am working on Cupcake's comforter. I really can't wait to show ya'll what I am envisioning (assuming what I envison turns out to be less than a disaster). I thought it would be done by now however with Lil' Tank hanging out with us for a few weeks, my sewing, crafting, self-indulgent time has greatly decreased.

But in an effort to tease you with my vision, I will say...It required no-fray, pre-cut chiffon (which I did NOT even know they made Praise the Lord) and a new ruffler attachment for my machine (I am the envy of all who sew...at least those without said-ruffler attachment).

I thought the new attachment was a good investment since I see zebra-print pettiskirts in my future and a ruffler would greatly decrease my time spent doing these things.

So maybe I can ~~look for more inspiration for Cupcake's room on Pinterest~~, ~~watch mindless hours of netflix~~ cook, or clean, or do laundry occasionally. (See Honey? Win-win).

So aside from the new--see above: "wiser and more beautiful"--allergies, the aforementioned whooping cough, and the extra-busy 5-year old schedule, we are just thanking the Lord for our sweet girl and praying fervently for quick process and her protected heart as we wait to hear when we will be making our way those 8,000 miles to kiss her sweet cheeks.

It's been 4 weeks and 2 days.

In case you were wondering =)

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-01T16:20:00.001-05:00

I'm sure it's a real thing and that I should be linking up with some big blogging Thankful Thursday community.

But I'm not.

I am just one small person, recognizing that in the midst of chaos? We must choose thankfulness.

"Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" I Thess. 5:18

So here is what I am thankful for today:

* Pictures of my Sweet Girl

* Pre-cut chiffon (and in animal print, nonetheless!)

* Christmas decorations

No, I am not with the crowd that thinks we start decorating stores for Christmas too early. I rejoice at the first whiff of cinammon and the first glimmer of pre-lit trees. I wait for-- nay LONG for--Christmas all year long!

* The Power of Prayer. Even though God has never foresaken my prayers, I still stand in amazement when He responds to them

* Referrals. After a long long LONG 8 months with NO (nada, zero, zilch) movement, 5 --FIVE-- families saw their sweet new childrens faces in August. Praise the Lord!

* Steve Martin's bluegrass concert. Two favorite parts are Here and Here (I'm sorry. Athiest Ain't Got No Songs is Just. Funny. Stuff.)

* Cherry Coke Zero. Seriously, how long has this existed and me not known about it?!?!?!

* All Things Girly (Pettiskirt tutorials, cupcake fabric, canopies, flower hair accessories, dolls, pink, etc...).

We were so CERTAIN that we would be referred a 4 year old boy...we had never specified a desire for anything of the sort but with the natural progression of things, it just seemed so obvious to us.

But I am SO thankful to God for surprising me with our Sweet Girl. I had no idea how much I would love getting our world ready for her =)

The Husband is also jumping on the All Things Girly bandwagon... recently I found BOTH The Princess and the Frog AND Tangled on our Netflix list. Wonder how those got there????? =)

* The Joy of trying to explain to my almost-five-year old nephew that it was "okay" for me to turn Right on Red.

"BUT RED MEANS STOP!!! AND YOU HAVE TO STOP UNTIL IT TURNS GREEN. BECAUSE GREEN MEANS GO"

Oh my, child.

* That, after taking the above-mentioned nephew to Church last night, he proceeded to tell his mom that we took him to the Jesus Music Place.

You know? The place where you sing songs to Jesus.

*Insert big goofy grin here*

* The Power of Prayer. I know I already said this one. But it deserves an encore. I really am eternally grateful that the King of the Universe hears the cries of my heart and responds quickly in power and might.

What about you?

What are you thankful for today?

One year ago...

2011-08-29T10:11:00.000-05:00

I wrote THIS to a sweet little girl I halfway around the world. I didn't know her face yet. I didn't know her story yet. But I knew then that I loved her more than anything.

And I still know that today.

Three Weeks.

2011-08-29T10:08:00.000-05:00

Today marks three weeks.

Three weeks since we first saw our beautiful daughter's face.

Three weeks since we were able to start praying specifically over her destiny, her heart, her transition.

Three weeks since our lives began revolving around a little girl halfway around the world who doesn't even know we exist yet.

It has been an intense three weeks.

I wanted to share the "what's next" of all of this because I know it can be so confusing when you are on the outside looking in.

It probably looks like the adoption process is nothing more than as series of hurry ups and waits.

That would be an accurate assumption.

But inside of all those hurry ups and waits, we are able to learn a few things about ourselves.

How much we can really handle and still live.

How to walk in patience and gratitude even when you don't feel like it.

And most of all, how blessed we really are that God would entrust this amazing child to us.

People often say what a great thing we're doing or how blessed she is to have us as parents someday...but the truth is? They have it totally backwards...She is saving us. We are the ones being blessed by God. When I look at her face, I feel completely inadequate to raise someone this special to God. I feel totally undeserving to get to watch her grow into a a strong woman of God..I feel entirely incapable to guide her....

And then? I am once again filled with gratitude that He will be right there with us, all the way. He will be teaching us, raising us, and watching us grow everyday...Because of her.

No...we've done nothing unusual except say Yes to God. The rest? He's done for us.

So what's next?

Next, we pray fervently for a court hearing. Both The Husband and I have to travel to Ethiopia for the court hearing, which will finalize the adoption of Cupcake as a member of our family IN Ethiopia.

But that's not the end of it...

Once we pass court, we must wait for the adoption decree to be issued by the MOWCYA (the governing body in Ethiopia). This is where the bulk of the slowdown is being seen and while we are in favor of due diligence, we will once again, be contending for supernatural favor that the necessary paperwork be signed as soon as possible.

Because?

That's not the end of it.

Once we get the adoption decree, we can be issued a U.S. Embassy appointment. Now, there have been some additional hold-ups at Embassy because of investigations and missing paperwork. We are confident that the the 8 months of no referrals within our agency (where they were going back and collecting any missing- illegible- or difficult to understand paperwork and creating more complete files) will expedite this process and we won't see any delays here. The average wait time between court and embassy is 8-12 weeks, currently.
Once we are issued an Embassy appt., we will have to travel back to Ethiopia a second time to appear before the Embassy and declare that it IS our intention to adopt this child. The words "This Adoption Is Final" will be precious music to our ears!

That is when we will be able to bring Cupcake to America =)

It can be difficult for people when they ask "when will you get to bring her home?" to hear "we don't know".

But we just. don't.

We are fervent in our prayers that we are given supernatural favor.
We are confident in our faith that God has gone before us and He will make a clear path ahead of us.

And we are peaceful in our hearts that God is protecting and comforting our sweet girl while we wait to finally be able to bring her into our family!

Thank you for your prayers and support in these final "Waits"

Today

2011-08-23T16:37:00.000-05:00

Shopping for fabric for Cupcake's room today, a nice woman asked me what I was making:

Me: "Oh, I'm using this fabric (shows sample) as the main theme in my daughter's room...and looking for these designs (points to fabric) to coordinate"

Woman: "Well, the fabric is beautiful. How old is your daughter"

Me: "She's three"

Woman: "Perfect! She's gonna love it!"

Things I didn't mention:

1. I have never actually met my daughter.

2. She's halfway around the world in an orphanage right now.

3. Her room will probably be ready for her months before she sets foot on U.S. soil.

My Beef with Barbie (Part 1)

2011-08-22T20:08:00.000-05:00

I know this comes as no surprise. Most people take issue with Barbie.

Her completely disproportionate body.

Her plastic (haha) smile.

And don't even get me started on the mansion that she can afford in Malibu. On What Income, exactly??

But, after seeing Cupcake's face and immediately needing to buy her. something. anything!

I discovered that, what I really take issue with Barbie on?

Is her hair.

Yep, her long, flowing, straight hair.

Did you hear me? Her Long. Flowing. STRAIGHT. Hair.

How am I supposed to teach my daughter that God created her perfectly the way she is..perfectly with curly, natural, thick, hair...when she is surrounded by our "display" of beauty and it doesn't represent her at all??

I don't like to fail. But I saw no winning in that scenario.

There are virtually NO examples of beautiful naturally-curly haired dolls. Trust me, I have looked.

And looked.

And LOOKED.

And then? I found This.

What's that? You can make Barbie go Natural?

And I did. It took a couple of hours...but I helped transform Barbie into a doll that at least has similar hair to Cupcake (Don't worry, you'll soon learn about my Other Beef With Barbie soon enough)

Here's the Before and After picture. (P.S. I bought a cheapo Generic-Barbie in case this totally flopped)

Barbie's natural 'do is somewhere between Type 3 and Type 4 curls

And chronicling our journey...See, the evolution of Barbie's transformation..

Pay no attention to Naked Barbie. That dress is as difficult to maneuver with as it is ugly.

I can't believe how much fun I had doing a doll's hair!!!

Looking forward to a lot more fun playing with dolls over the next few years! =)

Coming Up...

2011-08-22T16:58:00.001-05:00

We are busy BUSY collecting any donations people are willing to give for prizes in our upcoming puzzle piece raffle!

As many of you know, the final pieces (two trips to Ethiopia) are the most expensive chunks of money needed in adoption.

Please consider if you can donate anything towards our raffle to raise travel expenses AND be on the lookout for your opportunity to add your name to our "village" helping to bring our Cupcake home!!

For as my Pastor always said (and, okay, I suppse the Apostle Luke also said it) "When you give, it is given back to you...pressed down, shaken together, and running over...through the hands of men, so you can give again" (The Pastor D paraphrase)

Thank you so much for your generosity!

You can email me at smithfamilyjourney@gmail.com with donations!

One week.

2011-08-15T10:35:00.008-05:00

I can't believe it's already been a week. It seems like just yesterday we were filled with anticipation waiting to see our daughter's face.

It still gives me goosebumps.

Sometimes people ask me questions about "my daughter" and it takes me a minute to register who they're talking to.

Oh. You mean me. =)

Things I have learned in the last week:

1. Although I committed to buy at least 80% of clothing and furniture used years ago (and have stuck to it)...apparently that rule does not apply to my daughters belongings. Either that, or I have suppressed some unrealized desire to SHOP and this is the perfect excuse to release that pent-up longing. Either way, it's a sad-- and more expensive-- realization...

2. Zulily is evil. Daily emails of cuteness? I have two trips to Africa to fund, folks!....this madness must stop! =)

3. Apparently people don't think you're serious when you talk about things like 'cocooning' and 'transition-periods' because I am having to re-explain myself to those around me like somehow it's the most unnatural thing they've ever heard. They must have thought we were joking six months ago when we introduced the idea??

But we are standing firm. =)

4. Hair care is scary. and exhilarating. and exciting. I am considering buying a mannequin head to practice corn-rows and double-stranded twists. I want Cupcake to know she is perfectly created by God and that we wouldn't change a single thing about her. Cupcake's hair appears to be tight-coiled, maybe 4b, so going with natural hair care means learning a lot of styles..and I refuse to fail at this! =)

P.S. Can I just give a shout-out to sites like HappyGirlHair, ChocolateHairVanillaCare, and NaturallyCurly for helping me not be completely clueness.

I *heart* them.

5. My daughter is amazing and beautiful and we are so grateful to families who made it a point to take lots of pictures at the orphanage so we can get a small glimpse of her personality. We are in awe of how blessed we are. God must love us something crazy to entrust us with His most prized creation. I am walking in incredible thanks to Him for sharing her with us.

That said, we know our daughter's transition will be full of grief and sadness. Her little life has already experienced more tragedy than anyone should and we are constantly asking God to protect her little heart. To comfort her when we can't. And to love her through her grief in the way only He can.

We are not blind to the fact that while redemption is an amazing display of God's goodness, it does not erase the tragedy that caused redemption to be necessary in the first place.

Please, as you pray for our family, for speed and favor in the process...remember, also, sweet Cupcake's heart in this. And join with us in praying that God's hand is evident in her transition and that He comforts and heals her heart. Because only He can do that.

Thank you all for your prayers and continued congratulations!

We are blessed, indeed!

Here is a picture of the luvey I made Cupcake. I incorporate soft minky fabrics, knit, and colorful cottons. Currently The Husband and I are sleeping with it every night and praying over it until we can send it over to our Sweet Girl.

A great link: Bring out the tissues.

2011-08-11T07:00:00.000-05:00

I am usually emotional watching adoption videos.

But I am certainly far more vulnerable to those emotions when looking at my sweet girl's face.

You'll know exactly what I am talking about when you link over to my friend Lauren's blog and check their video out!

P.S. I wonder who I could get to video us meeting Bedako for the first time? =)

Shock and Awe.

2011-08-09T21:42:00.001-05:00

That pretty much describes my emotions yesterday.

First, shock.

We were 99% sure (the same way a pregnant woman might think she is) that our referral would be a boy. We hadn't specified and we certainly didn't care...but in the course of things, we had just assumed things would go a certain way (we should have known better since NOTHING in this process has gone as planned) =)

and we were 100% sure that nothing would be happening any time soon. Last we heard, nothing was expected to move for a while. Paperwork nonsense...clarification....bleh.

So, to get the call?

To realize that in that moment our lives were changing?

Yes. Shock.

But in shock and awe....The awe is the best part.

We immediately felt immensely blessed as we looked at our daughter's big beautiful dow-eyes and small frame.

We were in love with her serious expression and what was described as her "reserved" personality.

And we were overwhelmed by the spiritual and natural redemption that adoption brings.

When we looked at her face and read about her story, all we could think was...

She is our daughter.

We hope to never take for granted how blessed we are that God has chosen us to protect, shepherd, and steward her life...even for a short time.

We may have initially been shocked. But it was the awe that changed us forever.

Amazing Gratitude.

2011-08-09T10:49:00.000-05:00

Laying in bed this morning, I am filled with gratitude and thanksgiving.

For my Salvation.

For my family and friends.

And especially this morning??

For my BEAUTIFUL DAUGHTER!

Yes, in case you didn't catch that. Yesterday was (so far) the best day of my life when late in the afternoon we were introduced to our beautiful barely-three-year-old little girl.

I feel like I am flying. It's surreal. And wonderful. And I keep just soaking in everything about her. She truly is God's most perfect creation yet and we are so excited to get to be part of her world.

Since I can't show you a picture of my beautiful Cupcake, I thought I would let my friend Franky describe her as clearly as I could for ya'll!!

Please keep praying for us. We're not through the thick of it yet as we work to raise funds and pray down any more hindrances and attacks to prolong our daughter's stay in an orphanage.

We believe that it was through prayer warriors joining with us that her referral came through and we believe that that SAME prayer can push us through the system with-- what can only be described as-- the Favor of the Lord.

We can't wait to bring our baby girl home!!

Thank you for praying with us and celebrating our beautiful daughter!

Prayer please

2011-08-08T10:19:00.000-05:00

Please pray for us today.

We are expecting that God has given us great favor and we are confident that no attacks/delays/hindrances of the enemy will be able to continue to slow down God's plan.

We are warring.

There are specifics that I can't share yet, but please know that this is critical. We are asking every praying person to join with us today.

The fight.

2011-08-05T12:35:00.000-05:00

Ephesians 6:10-11, 14-17 “Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes… Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God."

In high school, I readied myself every morning with this verse....so much so that I had the lengthy excerpt memorized. I am sad to say that I don't have it memorized anymore.

I am not sure at what point in our lives we start leaning on our own abilities. I can't remember a specific day when I stopped "putting on the armor of the Lord" every morning. But I know this....

We won't win the fight without it.

As I look at my frustration, my lack-of-control, and my inability to go swoop up my child and hold him/her close to me, I can't help but be reminded that I am far more vulnerable to attack without my shield of faith.

That without the belt of truth, I am more succeptible to the lies of the enemy. That without the breastplate of righteousness. Without the helmet of salvation. Without the sword of the Spirit?

I am simply a sitting duck.

The enemy wants to throw out his attacks on your life with the speed of a machine gun.

How prepared you are for battle is up to you.

Me? Well moving forward, I am ready.

The Lord goes before me and I will be victorious. I may be on the front-lines of battle, but I have an armor that the enemy can't penetrate. I have a promise that will never be broken. And I have a commandor that has already defeated the opposition.

I could continue trying to do it on my own. I might even be able to weather some of the storms of attack in this battle.

But I don't just want to weather the storms sometimes.

I want to win.

So I am going to take up my armor and remember that my fight is not against flesh and blood but against principalities and powers.

And I will be victorious.

And I LOVE that satan hates that.