I had another dream about you last night. We were in--what I can only imagine is-- the Guest Home. You were sleeping on the bed in a little romper we brought for you. You were chubby, I thought...I was thankful for that..not only because it meant you had eaten well at the Baby Home, but also because it made you look younger than you were. All of the sudden, I started worrying about how quickly you might grow up, and suddenly I wanted to memorize all of your features at this point...your chubby knees, round face, big eyes, sound sleep...Of course, in all irony, I was the only one NOT soundly sleeping.
I just watched you. Thinking about all we had been through to get to this point....wondering what our lives would look like now that the focus would shift from the process of bringing you home...to enjoying you and the joy you would bring into our lives. There were so many things I wanted to tell you right at that moment... How I wanted to be a great mommy to you. How much I loved you and wanted to keep you always safe. How I wanted to hold you like this forever and never let you grow up. How, at the same time, I knew God had such great big plans for you and that you were a person of incredible destiny...
I wanted to tell you that the next month might feel like a whirlwind...but that I would always be there....and that I understood you might be scared..but that no matter what, we would keep you safe. I wanted to give you some insight into what the next week held in store..
but I knew I couldn't.
So I just held you.
And I prayed. I prayed that God would tell you all the things I couldn't. That He would always hold you even closer than I. That you would feel peace and comfort even in the midst of turmoil and change. That His love, which had always been there, would be even more tangible and familiar to you now.
And then it was over.
When I woke up, I tried to dream it again.
I kept closing my eyes and asking God to take me back there....
It was the closest to you I have ever felt at this point.
But, yet, I sit here.
I know that God gave me that glimpse to comfort and love on me...the same way I ask Him every day to comfort and love on you. I know He showed me, not only my heart, but His heart for you. And for me. I know that I have something to hold onto now...maybe something that I can turn back to when the "goin's get tough" again.
So, as angry and upset as I was that it was just a dream...a very short dream?
I am also incredibly thankful..that it was mine.